Also, him harming himself when he was alone, say falling and cracking his head and losing consciousness, and without anyone there, never waking up.
Ditto on that with asphyxiation should he be asleep on his back and vomit in his sleep.
Last, and the biggest one, him driving drunk.
It wasn’t the getting caught. That would suck for Brian and probably be a huge wakeup call (maybe).
It wasn’t even him getting into a wreck and hurting himself. I did not want that. And if it was bad, I’d detest it. But that wasn’t the worst thought in that particular scenario.
It was him hurting someone else.
Maybe having the kids with him and hurting them.
Maybe a complete stranger.
It wouldn’t matter.
He’d never be able to live with that.
And I wasn’t certain anyone around him would either.
Including me.
And if he had the kids with him and did something that stupid, especially me.
So even though I did not want to talk to my brother, not only after the shit I’d endured recently, but usually ever (these days), I took the call in case he’d been picked up for drunk driving and needed someone to post bail or something.
“Hey, Bri,” I greeted warily.
“What the fuck, Ryn?” he snapped in my ear.
Up on my forearm in my bed, I went inert.
“You’re out,” he declared.
“Sorry?” I asked.
“You know, she’s had it tough. We got pregnant too soon and we didn’t work out,” he stated.
Holy shit.
He was talking about Angelica.
He was defending Angelica.
“If she needs some me time to get her shit together, she needs it and she doesn’t need you and one of your dickhead friends nosing into her life, passing judgment,” he went on.
“Me time?” I asked.
“She was pregnant by nineteen. Had two kids almost before she was legal to drink. She’d never really held down a job, outside working at Wendy’s our senior year. She’s dealing with a lot. Christ, you had some private eye friend of yours follow her and take pictures? What’s the matter with you?”
He could not be for real.
“Stop it,” I hissed.
“No, you stop it,” he bit back. “You’re out. We’ll let you see the kids again when we have some time to get over you doing something so colossally jacked to her.”
Me doing something so colossally jacked to her?
I pushed up to my ass and worked very hard at trying not to allow my head to explode.
“Right then, me being out means me not laying cash on her anymore.”
“Don’t worry about that, I got that covered.”
Right.
“And me being out means, when she fakes a headache or whatever-the-fuck game she decides to play to get her ‘me time,’ I’m not on call to look after the kids, get them to school, or anything else.”
“Again, I got that covered.”
“Oh yeah, Bri? Gonna lay off the Jack the night before so you can be certain you’re not still out-of-your-mind blotto the next morning so you can get them to school safe?”
The silence that came after that hung heavy in a way I assumed a massive thundercloud had formed over Denver stretching all the way between my pad and Brian’s place.
I’d never mentioned it.
Not once.
I should have, but outside encouraging him to Uber on the occasions he was too far gone to get behind the wheel or suggesting (strongly) he sleep on Mom’s or my couch, I hadn’t come close to broaching it.
And one could argue (and even I would argue it, after saying it, pissed as all hell), I shouldn’t have broached it when I was pissed as all hell.
But…seriously?
Me time?
He had it?
What the fuck?
Eventually, he spoke.
But when he did, I wished he didn’t.
“Fuck you, Ryn,” he said softly.
“We need to talk,” I said softly back.
“No, we absolutely do not.”
“I miss my brother,” I whispered. “You’re an amazing guy, Brian. Funny. Smart. Loyal. The best brother ever, and I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true, that’s when you’re not drinking. And I miss you.”
“I can’t even tell you how few fucks I give about that.”
I sucked in breath at the meanness of his words.
“You’re out, Ryn,” he declared. “More out than you were before.”
“If you take those kids away from me because Ang can’t grow up and face responsibility. And you’re in denial that you have a problem when you’ve already lost everything, it’s just that everyone around you is going through the motions to shield you from that fact because we love you, but the way we do that is enabling you. If you do that, you are going to shatter an already broken heart.”
“And I can’t tell you how few fucks I give about that either.”
After that, I heard the beeps to share he’d disconnected.
I lifted my knees up to my chest and dropped my forehead to them.
“Me time,” I whispered, started laughing softly, this right before the pain racked my body as I held back a sob.