“Why?” I whispered. “Why did you want to leave him?”
“Because he took me for granted. And he took our wedding vows for granted. He seemed good with the ’til death do us part promise, but he slipped on the love, honor, and cherish. I raised the kids and supported the business in ways no one ever saw. I cooked, cleaned, and made sure I was bathed and smelling good for him every night. Every night, Elsie. I have it on good authority that your generation doesn’t have to have sex every night. I did.”
I tried to restrain my smile, but it was hard. I couldn’t believe Mary was talking about her sex life with me. Honestly, Mary was the type of woman who had the Virgin Mary feel to her. The idea of her having sex three times to get pregnant seemed like three times too many or just three times too unlikely. There were other women at the church who gave off the same vibe. Like Rhonda. I couldn’t imagine them having sex unless it was clinical like getting pregnant with a turkey baster—legs in stirrups, head wrenched to the side, eyes pinched shut.
“You didn’t feel loved, honored, and cherished?”
“No.” She took several steps backward and sat on the edge of the bed as I turned on my vanity stool to face her. “You know why … ‘Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.’ I felt like he expected me to be submissive. So many of my fellow sisters in the church were happy to be submissive … let their husbands have the role of head in the marriage and they the helper. Some even felt like it was a privilege … an esteemed position. ‘Wives should submit to their husbands in everything.’” She gave me a tight smile as if to say what do you think about that?
“Ron expected you to be submissive?” I was surprised by that because I never saw that side of their marriage.
“Don’t look so shocked. It was also my job to play the role of the happy wife and mother so that no one would ever think to question my discontentment. Small town. Big religion. I couldn’t just leave Ron. I would have had to leave Epperly. But at the time, my parents were alive, and they needed my help. Sound familiar?”
I recoiled.
“Don’t think I haven’t seen it … haven’t seen you doing everything in your power to keep us in our home. Don’t think that I don’t understand that our kids would have put us in a home in a heartbeat had it not been for you.”
Tears stung my eyes.
“Let us go, Elsie. You’ve been a good wife and mother, and you’ve been good to Ron and me so much more than our own kids have been. But it’s time for you to move on. And while I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost a child, I don’t blame you. Not one bit. It was in fact an accident. And it could have happened just as easily had he run out to get a loaf of bread.”
I didn’t believe that. His mind was not in the right place to be driving. And if he was angry, he was probably speeding. I knew from experience that Craig got heavy footed when he was worked up about something.
“Stop.”
I glanced up from my thoughts to meet her gaze.
She shook her head. “I know where your mind is going, and I just want you to stop. Stop feeling responsible. Stop carrying the guilt. Stop looking back. Do something for yourself … do it for me.” She grinned. “Let me live vicariously through you. There’s still so much life for you to live, sweetie. Take your second act.”
“I loved him,” I whispered because I needed so badly for her to know that. I did love Craig with my whole heart for so long.
“I know, Elsie. And I loved Ron. I still love him. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes freedom is greater than love. Or maybe it’s the ultimate love. I don’t know.”
“But my kids and my parents think I’m losing it. I half expect to be hauled away in a straitjacket for a psychiatric evaluation and heavily medicated for the next few years.”
Mary belly laughed. “I don’t think so. They’re just concerned. You’ve given them submissive Elsie for too many years. It’s going to take them awhile to get to know free Elsie. Give them time. Show them that your love for them hasn’t changed.”
I scooted off the stool and knelt in front of her, hugging her waist like a child. “Thank you, Mary.”
She again stroked my hair. Part of me felt like it should have been my mom comforting me and encouraging me like that, but the fact that it was Mary made it more impactful, and it gave me true closure to my marriage—the life and loss of Craig.