She didn’t finish that sentence, “You say I’m not entranced by you but I can’t imagine how that would feel because it feels like I am under a spell. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt, things I shouldn’t feel! I’m doing things women who have been kidnapped just don’t do. Things I would never ever do if I was my usual self. I don’t get it. Try to understand this thing from my perspective. I got snatched out of my life and dropped in the middle of a horror movie. I have Stockholm syndrome or something fucked up like that. I’m a prisoner, and I want to climb into a cocoon and hide from you but then you look at me and you touch me and I feel things I’ve never felt. I’m not me. I’m, I just… I’m a wreck. I’m a mess and I can’t think straight. I don’t know what’s real. Being without you the last few days, it was painful. It’s an addiction, yes, but I know it’s something else, too. Something deeper than addiction and withdrawal, even. That’s pretty fricking scary for someone like me…someone who has controlled her reactions, avoided emotion… for most of her life. I don’t know how to feel, Tristan.”
They were both quiet for a minute. He was staring at the floor.
“And no, I don’t wanna keep hurting you,” she whispered.
She thrust her hands through her hair, surprised she was able to get that all out. She didn’t typically talk about her feelings, heck, didn’t even feel her feelings. It was like she was waking up inside after being numb for a long time. All that time with her thoughts and emotions was forcing her to face her feelings.
“We’re real, Kyla. We are. And if you don’t want to hurt me then stop running.” He sat down, “I don’t want you afraid of me; I just want you safe. And you are you. This, you telling me how you feel, this is you. You want this connection as much as I do. Just embrace it. Whether it’s magic or chemistry or what, it feels like it could be something amazing, doesn’t it?”
She twisted a curl nervously, “I am afraid of you, of how you make me feel, and of what you might be capable of. Part of me wants to run and hide. Part of me wants to run straight to you and I don’t know how to deal with those conflicting emotions.”
“Afraid? You do a pretty good job of hiding your fear. If I couldn’t see past that armour…”
“But when you’re not mad at me and you eye fuck me and…”
He looked at her, head tilted, a little smirk spreading across his face and lighting up his eyes.
She clarified, “You hold me prisoner with those blue eyes and I just --- I melt.”
He chewed his cheek for a second, “Talk like that and we won’t finish this conversation.”
She shrugged, “I belong in an insane asylum.”
He let out a whistle and strolled to the dresser and poured drinks,
“Ditto. You’ve avoided emotion, I’ve been incapable of feeling emotion. It’s been so long since I’ve been like you. I forget. I’ve forgotten how scary it is to learn about things in the world you’ve been taught were just myths. I’m so used to people bending to my will and you’re just so…” He didn’t finish, “But that’s awesome, too, and is part of why I’m so affected by you. I’m having trouble explaining this because it’s unfamiliar to me. I have this ego, this sense of entitlement that’s part of me due to what I’ve lived for the last decade. I know I sound like an elitist but I’ve been groomed to be this way, entitled, arrogant, a megalomaniac, as you’d put it the other day. But cold and unfeeling, never happy. But I’m changing ever since you. And I feel your feelings all the time. Almost every minute of the day. I’m dealing with all these new emotions. I feel you and I feel me and I… you only seem to feel me when I feed but I feel you every minute that I’m awake. Sometimes when I’m asleep, even.” He made a pained face, “I’m trying to not let it drive me crazy, Kyla, but sometimes it comes damn close, this feeling things so deeply. I haven’t truly felt much of anything in a decade. Now I feel so much.”
Tristan passed her the glass and continued, “All this is a lot for me to deal with, too. I always get what I want without having to even crave it and feel almost nothing. Not joy, not satisfaction. My life as a vampire has been busy, learning my role, fulfilling my duties, but all while trying to satisfy my urges. I kept craving, not knowing what I was craving and not finding anything to sate my cravings. But then I tasted you. And you satisfy me. For the first time in ten years I find what I need. So I crave you. I want you. I feel you. I need you.”