Walking into the kitchen Ben's sitting at the breakfast nook with a plate of food piled in front of him. He's reading a paper but I see him look over at me as I enter. Esmeralda moves around the kitchen humming. She looks up at me and smiles before grabbing the coffee pot and pouring a cup.
"Good Morning Miss Victoria!" she says brightly.
"Good morning Ezz," I call back using my childhood nickname for her.
She beams. "Did you sleep well? I've missed having you here!"
"Yes I did, very well. I've missed you too!"
She comes over and embraces me. She's a larger woman with strong features. Her hair is starting to show more gray than black and new lines have formed on her face since I last saw her.
She returns to fixing a plate for me so I slide into the breakfast nook opposite of Ben. He intently ignores me.
"Mo
rning Ben," I say.
"Morning," he says without looking over his paper.
"When did you get in?"
"Late."
I nod and look around uncomfortable again. Conversation isn't supposed to be this hard. Surely we can find something in common to talk about.
"Congratulations on setting that speed record," I say.
He pauses part way through turning the page of his paper but doesn't look up from it. "It's not a big thing," he says.
"You set a world record, seems a pretty big deal."
He sets the paper aside. Our eyes meet and my core tightens. Those beautiful gray eyes of his, so intense, so knowing. He purses his lips, I see his finger starting to draw that same pattern on the table. He's going to say something ...
"You seem to be doing well in school," he says at last.
Something deflates inside me. I don't know what I was hoping for but that wasn't it. As my heart sinks I try to figure out what it is I want from him. I realize, I don't really know what I want. I want it to be like it was but that's not possible. We can't go back in time and now there's this gulf between us. I can't look at him and not feel niggling doubt. He left. They all leave.
"Yeah," I say. "It's been good. I like it a lot."
He nods still staring at me. Heat floods me as I grow more uncomfortable under his gaze. I'm probably blushing. Stupid.
"Hiking should be fun," he says.
"I think so, lot of memories out there."
He nods. His finger is still tracing that pattern like I'm the problem he has to solve but doesn't know the solution to. Well neither do I Ben, neither do I.
We finish our breakfast then Ben grabs a backpack of supplies that Esmeralda has prepared for us. He slings it over one shoulder and without a word heads out the back door. I follow along behind him feeling like a third wheel in a two wheel situation. The backpack is apparently better company and more welcome than I am.
I can't deny the view as we hike into the hills. It's beautiful here but that's not the only thing that has my attention. Ben takes long strides, each one pulling his jeans tight showing the flex of his muscles. I can't look at him like that, it isn't right. He's my brother. And he left.
"Remember that tree?" he says stopping and pointing to a large oak that stands on top of a hill by itself.
I do. I remember that tree well. Ben kissed me under that tree.
"Yeah," I say shyly.
The tightness and fluttering I felt before fans into a flame now. My lips tingle at the memory of his kiss. We were teenagers. I was early in puberty and unsure of all the feelings in my body, he was so strong and perfect. We laughed about it later and he called it practice for his girlfriend.
Ben stares at me openly, his eyes roam up and down over me. His lips are tight like he's biting the inside of his lower lip. His finger is running that same pattern on the strap of the backpack.
"Good times huh?" he says then turns slowly away.
"Yeah," I chuckle trying to make less of it than I feel.
He leads the way and as the sun rises it gets hotter. I'm starting to sweat and Ben's dripping with it. Unfortunately this just makes his shirt stick to him outlining every muscle. We stop for a water break and I can't take my eyes off the shape of his abs and chest.
Handing me the water bottle he steps close. We're inches apart and the musky scent of him fills my nostrils. So close, I can touch him with barely a movement. I look up into his eyes feeling myself blush. I want him to take me in his arms but despite our proximity I still feel the gulf between us.
"Want to take a swim?" he asks.
"The lake?" I ask.
I hadn't realized how close we were to the small lake we swam in as kids. He nods and I grin.
"Beat you there!" I yell out as I take off running.
I hear him laughing behind me. As I run the weight of years falls away. Memories swell around me and I embrace them. I realize I don't have a bathing suit with me but what does that matter? We never used them when we were kids, why bother now? The lake comes into view as I crest a hill and I start stripping as I run down to it. I make a leap off a small cliff and swan dive into the water.