Although it wasn’t like Nikolai was going to give a shit what I wore or let me keep my clothes on for long anyway…
I was sure my clothes would be ripped and torn while I paid my penance… an act required because I’d chosen to leave. Well, this time I was making another choice that was threatening to fracture me beyond repair.
But, no, I was even stronger than I’d been that night four years ago. This time I wouldn’t let myself get sucked into the addiction. I was sure of that.. This was survival, nothing more. I would not allow this man to become my drug.
Not again.
As I stared at the house I’d turned into a home, I allowed everything I was giving up to flood through my mind. Volkov Ballet, the trust people had in me, my relationship with Alek…
Alek.
Of course, Alek. I was going to have to give him up to get through all this. I could not drag him down with me. It was one thing to give up my own career, I’d done it before and lived through it, but to cost him his theater… to cost those who depended on him and Yuri… there was no way I could do that. I could be selfish when it came to me, but not Alek. I had fallen for him, cared about him. I couldn’t drag him into hell with me. This wasn’t his fight. It wasn’t Yuri’s or anyone else’s but mine.
I needed to stand alone.
I really didn’t want to have to think about giving up Alek, but there was no way he’d want me if I went to Nikolai. Even if he could forgive the sex as being meaningless to me, as a price I had to pay to keep Nikolai away from my babushka, Alek could never forgive me for reneging on my promise not to walk away from the company.
He’d put his faith in me, drawn me into the theater, and I was about to chance losing everything. I knew that, yet I still couldn’t stop myself. I needed to do this, and there was nothing strong enough to keep me from making this choice. But I couldn’t… wouldn’t be the cause of another being hurt.
Without Alek, I was nothing. Without him, I would completely fall apart. There wouldn’t be any foundation for me to exist upon. Over and over, I tried to justify my actions. Repeating the same thoughts desperate that somehow I’d make this all right. But it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But I still had no other choice.
Perhaps if I was careful, I could find some way to leave without destroying the man I loved with every fiber of my being. Maybe I could keep it all a secret. Consider the penance as just that… an act that could be accomplished and forgotten.
My mind made up, I slammed the car door closed and, with a spin of rubber against concrete, I reversed out of the drive and tore back the way I’d come.“Mr. Kos… Kosloff is… is expec…ting me.” Even as fit as I was, stress and the run I’d been forced to make due to a timeline I was terrified of missing had me gasping for breath and holding a hand pressed against my side where a stitch was throbbing.
The receptionist raked her eyes up and down my frame, her frown of disapproval belying her words. “Certainly, Miss…”
“Simyoneva,” I supplied, dragging in deep breaths in an attempt to slow my heart rate. “Clara Simyoneva.”
Nodding, she toggled some unseen switch and spoke softly. “Mr. Kosloff, this is Kristin at the front desk…”
I watched as a flush ran up her neck to pool into pink spots of color on her cheeks.
“Thank you, sir. Um… oh, yes, I’m calling to announce your… guest has arrived. A Miss Simyoneva? Shall I send her up?”
After a moment, her head bobbed, and I couldn’t help but wonder if the woman was aware she wasn’t actually standing before Nikolai, but, then again, from the way the woman’s hand lifted to tuck a stray tress behind an ear and her smile, perhaps he was on some video screen out of my view.
“Certainly, sir. I’ll take care of that as well. Thank you, Mr. Kosloff. If there is anything else I can do for you, it would be my pleasure. Please don’t hesitate to ask.”
Why couldn’t Nikolai simply take this woman up on her offer? Women were always throwing themselves at his feet, either ignorant of the man behind the mask as I’d been or totally willing to pay whatever price was required to be seen on the arm of a man who oozed power. What did I have that they didn’t?
The courage to leave…
I bit back a laugh. Courage was the one thing I suddenly felt extremely short of as I stepped onto an elevator and the operator gave me a nod. I was a bit surprised to see him push a button for the fifth floor, having expected him to push the last button at the top of the hotel. However, I remained quiet as what difference did it make? A room was a room, whichever floor it was on.