I looked at him and understood while he would never actually outright ask me, I felt like the moment was finally right to give him my side of the story. To tell him the truth about what happened because he’d definitely earned it. He was one of the only people in the world who hadn’t outright judged me for my past, and that really meant a lot to me.
“Alek, I want you to know while I deserve a lot of the derision that comes my way, I’m really not the bad person the media seems determined to make me out as. It’s true I did drugs and drank in excess, and it’s true I got involved with the wrong people, partied too much in order to ease the pain of my grandmother’s health beginning to fail as well as the horror the news became after Lara London’s accident, but I swear to you, I had nothing to do with it. I—”
“I know,” he said.
It took me a moment to process his response. He hadn’t demanded proof of my innocence, or even questioned me about who had been responsible… And if I trusted him to be telling the truth, and I did, then he knew about Nikolai as well. The fact he hadn’t dumped me off his lap had me wanting to come completely clean.
“When a man named Nikolai Kosloff came into my life, it was the exact right moment. Of course, that was all part of his plan, but I didn’t see it at the time. I truly thought he cared for me. Instead, he showed me the quickest way to forget my sorrows was to snort cocaine and drink in large quantities. I’m ashamed to say I ignored every sign that warned me I was getting too deep into a world that was… I’m not actually sure there is a word that defines that world.”
“Ugly,” Alek offered.
I considered it for a moment and nodded. I felt I was letting him down with this revelation. But at the same time, he needed to know it all. He had put his trust in me with bringing me into the theater, and, while there had been no false declarations of everlasting love, I felt he was opening up his heart to me. I knew for sure I’d opened mine as well as given him my body. Before we went even further, I needed to lay it all out on the table for him. To let him see it all. Every last unpleasant detail. To find out if he still wanted me once he knew the woman I had been.
“Yes, ugly. That fits in so many ways,” I said softly, pulling my foot from his hand and moving to slide off his lap.
Only he didn’t allow me to do so. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me even closer with one arm.
“Go on,” he said softly, tapping a finger against my left breast with a finger.
I looked into his eyes to see an expression of caring I’d only seen reflected in my grandmother’s eyes. Still I hesitated because this man had no real clue to how truly foul the story was.
“Go on, Clara,” he said.
I nodded and told him the rest.
“Nikolai was the man who put out the order that Lara London be removed from the production of Swan Lake, leaving me, her understudy, to step into the lead role. Like everyone else in our company, I was completely horrified at the news of her accident and then I began hearing murmurs of the ‘accident’ being something far more. People began to look at me funny as I curtsied and basked in the accolades each night when the curtain fell. When I complained to Nikolai, he smirked and told me not to worry. He said the world was his oyster and, if he wanted to see his own pearl in the spotlight, then not a fucking thing could stop that from happening.
“When the truth behind his words filtered through my fuzzy brain, I lifted my hand to slap the sneer off his lips. He caught my wrist and twisted my arm behind my back until I feared the bone would snap as easily as Lara’s legs had. He told me never ever to try that again. I was so upset I didn’t pay attention to his warning. I called him a bastard, told him only a coward would put out orders for an innocent woman to be hurt. I told him he’d ruined Lara’s life and demanded he let me go.”
The memory of the look on his face when I’d accused him of being a cowardly bastard had me shuddering and tucking my feet beneath me as if needing to be the smallest I could be.
“He didn’t, did he?” Alek asked quietly, his hand beginning to rub small circles on my back.