Drowning in Rory’s familiar scent, I cried myself to sleep, my tears seeping through the fabric of his pillow.***Rory dropped me back off at my place early the next morning.
Once home, when I logged into my messages, I realized an email from Channing had come in overnight.Dear Amber,Attached is something I put together for you today. It’s a playlist of songs that remind me of us. Who knew that moving back to Chicago and being away from you would turn me into such a sap? Tell Milo I don’t need him to emasculate me anymore; I’m doing a damn good job of that myself. In all seriousness, I hope you like it. At the very least, don’t laugh at me.Merry Christmas.Love, ChanningPlugging my headphones in, I lay back and pressed play on the first song.
It was Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day. There was no doubt behind the meaning. Lainey had died in September. He’d mentioned once before that this song would always remind him of her. It touched me that he’d chosen to start with that one. As painful as it was, the fact would always remain that Lainey’s death was what really brought the two of us together as friends.
The next couple of songs, which included Best Friend by Jason Mraz and You Are The Sunshine of My Life by Stevie Wonder, I could only assume, represented our friendship as teenagers.
When What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts came on, it completely changed the tone of the playlist. I knew that reflected the time after he returned home from college—when everything had changed between us.
He’d only included the one melancholy song, which transitioned into another song that made me crack the hell up. It was Just a Friend by Biz Markie. That was apparently representative of the beginnings of our time together in Boston and his denial about his feelings for me.
The final song was Perfect by Ed Sheeran. The lyrics made me cry because they seemed to represent his ultimately falling in love with me. It truly was perfect.***“I kissed Rory.”
The guilt had felt like it was killing me. After hours of listening to Channing’s playlist, I finally built up the courage to dial him and vomited out those words the second he picked up.
The silence on the other end of the line was deafening, so I continued, “He was just so hurt and emotional, and I got caught up in the moment and the memories. I felt like I needed to tell you. I don’t ever want to keep anything from you.”
He finally spoke, “Yeah, well some things I’m not sure I want to know.” There was a long pause before he expelled a long breath into the phone. “Did anything else happen?”
“No. It snowed really badly here last night. It was too dangerous for him to drive me home, so I spent the night there. He slept on the couch. I slept in the bedroom with Bruiser. Then, he drove me home this morning. I came home to your playlist. It was so touching. I can’t even tell you how mu—”
“Thank you for telling me.” Even though he was thanking me, he sounded beyond pissed. “Since we’re being honest…I should tell you that I kissed Emily last night.”
His admission took a few seconds to compute. I swallowed. “What?”
“Yeah. She came by to say goodbye before heading back to Boston, and we ended up kissing before she left.”
My mouth felt parched as I swallowed hard. “Oh…”
It felt like he’d just shredded my heart to pieces even though it was incredibly unfair of me to react that way. My brain felt depleted, unable to form a coherent response.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Are you alright?”
“Not really.”
“Save your hyperventilation, Amber. It didn’t happen. I just made it up, so you would know what this feels like.”
The breath I’d been holding finally escaped me. “Oh, my God.”
“Feel that relief? Well, I’m feeling the exact opposite right now. A part of me prepared myself for this, but that’s not making it any easier.”
“Yeah. Well, I completely deserved that.”
Sounding understandably pissed, he said, “I need to just…not talk for a little bit, okay? I’m gonna let you go.”
He hung up before I could say anything further.***That night over the phone, Annabelle tried her best to cheer me up after I recalled what happened with Channing.
“Stop beating yourself up over it. No one crucifies The Bachelorette for kissing ten different guys in a week or taking three of them to a fantasy suite.”
“I’m not the freaking Bachelorette. I have no excuse. And Channing didn’t sign up for some reality show.”
“Anyone in your position would’ve done the same thing. You’re supposed to be figuring things out. This is the rest of your life we’re talking about. Kissing Rory was part of the process. This is a man you’ve made love to countless times. You just kissed him. You didn’t let it go any farther. It was a moment, and it passed.”