She shut her eyes momentarily then said, “I know you’re making sense, but I just can’t imagine you gone in two days. I feel like I need you here to be able to handle this, even though you’re part of the dilemma.”
“As fucked-up as that sounds, I get it. But I’m giving you space anyway.”
With pleading eyes, she said, “There’s nothing I can say to make you stay?”
“No. I’m sorry. This is the right thing for now.”
Amber just kept nodding. She was finally coming terms in her mind with the fact that I was leaving.
She ran her fingers through my hair. “You referred to yourself as my boyfriend. You’d never used that word before.”
“Boyfriend…fuckboy, same thing,” I joked, burying my face in her neck. “I’m kidding. I know I never used it. I didn’t think I needed to spell it out. I’ve felt like your boyfriend for a while.”
My hands were starting to drift and wander about her body. I was feeling possessive and knew if I slept in the room tonight, that I would want to fuck her. And that would have been a mistake given the turn of events.
“You’d better get some sleep. We’ll talk more in the morning.” I said, forcing myself to walk away.
She called from behind me, “Where are you going?”
As painful as it was, I said, “It’s late. I’m sleeping on the couch.”***After a couple of days of tying up loose ends, departure day finally came. The mood around the condo was downright depressing.
Amber focused all of her attention on my mother. She did Mom’s hair before we had to head to the airport and helped her pack what few belongings she had. I was pretty sure she was trying to avoid having to say goodbye to me. Of course, I hoped it really wasn’t goodbye—at least not permanently anyway—but I had no clue what the next few weeks would bring.
I was putting the last of my things inside a carry-on when Amber walked into my room. “Your mother is lying down. She said to wake her when the Uber gets here.”
“Uber’s coming in fifteen minutes,” I muttered.
Her body was inches from me now, but I wasn’t acknowledging her. I wasn’t ready.
Amber’s voice cracked. “I can’t believe this is really happening.”
I’d continued to sleep on the couch for the past couple of nights. Amber knew why. I didn’t have to spell it out. Sleeping apart from her had been torture. But she didn’t try to convince me otherwise. There was nothing more I’d wanted than to spend those nights in her bed. But I just couldn’t.
“I need to say something before I leave,” I announced.
“Don’t make me cry,” she said, even though she was already crying.
Sitting on the bed, I prompted her to come to me. Burying my head in her abdomen, I spoke softly, “I don’t just love you, Amber. I like you. Really like you. You were always my favorite person. But after spending this time with you, seeing how you are with Milo, how much of your life you devote to others, in my book, you’re a rockstar. You deserve the world. I just want you to be happy.” Looking up at her, I said, “When I first came here…it broke my heart to see how hurt you were. I wanted to help you feel better, like you helped me all those years ago when Lainey died. I wanted to bring you out of your darkness. But in the process, I fucked up and fell in love with you, fell in love with not only the good parts but the dark ones, too—your realness, your vulnerability. And the big irony is that, once again, I needed you just as much as you might have needed me. This time with you has taught me a lot. The way you handle Milo, it’s actually really helped me know that even sometimes when someone can’t communicate with you that they can have moments of happiness. That gave me hope about my mother’s future when very little else does. This trip has been a blessing to me. You’re a blessing to me. As much as I want you for myself, I want true happiness for you more, whether that’s with me or without me. The only thing you need to do for me…is to figure your heart out.” I placed my hand over her chest. “I know I’m in there somewhere. But I’m selfish and I want it all.”
She sniffled. “You deserve it all.”
I stood up from the bed and cupped her cheeks. “I’ll miss your face so much.”
Amber leaned her head on my chest. “There’s just so much I need to say to you that I haven’t been able to articulate. I feel like I’ve been numb, and I owe you so much more than that.”