Looking down at my half-eaten cake ball, I said, “These remind me of Hoffman’s.”
Hoffman’s was the bakery in our old neighborhood just outside of Chicago. Growing up, Lainey and I used to get cake pops from there all of the time.
Lainey.
I wouldn’t say her name. I didn’t want to upset him. Channing always seemed to like to talk about things that reminded him of her without actually discussing her, so as not to have to remember what actually happened to his sister. That was how he handled the pain of her accident. So, I knew what these cake pops were really about. It was just one of the subtle ways he honored her memory.
“I know they’re like the ones at Hoffman’s. That’s why I got them.” He took a bite, catching a piece of the chocolate fondant that fell into his hand.
His eyes fell to my lips as I licked the last of the frosting off the stick. The tone of his voice softened as he leaned into his elbows. “Tell me what happened with Rory.”
“I told you what happened.”
“I want the long version.”
I knew I wasn’t going to get out of talking about it. So, I took a long sip of the wine and began to unload on him.
Over the next several minutes, Channing listened attentively as I recalled Rory’s breaking up with me, from the days leading up to it, to the Bed Bath & Beyond incident, to the exact words Rory said to me when he suggested we explore other people.
It was the first time I’d really gone over what happened in such great detail. It felt like I was reliving it, and I ended up breaking down. There was something about telling Channing everything that made me emotional enough to cry. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a big brother to tell things to, or maybe it was because Channing was one of the few people who knew Rory and me from the very beginning of our relationship—who knew how trustworthy Rory was. Technically, without Channing I would never have met Rory. I felt like Channing was truly on my side, though. He seemed like he wanted to kick Rory’s ass for hurting me. And that gave me some comfort. Sometimes, you just need a strong male friend in your corner—a protector. Channing was that person for me. Even if years went by and we didn’t speak, I knew he would be there for me if I ever needed him. In a sense, that was happening at the moment.
“I know it may not seem like it right now, but Rory did you a favor.”
“By wasting nine years of my life?”
“I think he’s crazy for letting you go, alright? He’ll never find someone like you again. But, in a sense, he’s right. You haven’t experienced enough to know that he’s the one. You’ve only been with one man—one man in your entire life. I don’t think he can do better, but quite frankly, I think you can.”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say about your former best friend.”
“Rory and I were never as close as you thought,” he was quick to say. “And even if we were, I call it like I see it. You were always out of his league.”
“On a superficial level, maybe. Although, you haven’t seen him lately. He looks really good now.”
“You’re wrong…on every level.”
His words gave me pause. I didn’t even care if he was blowing smoke up my ass at this point. It made me feel good to hear him say that. I just needed to feel good tonight, after months of feeling like shit. I would take his words and run with them.
“I didn’t want better, Channing. I wanted Rory, someone whom I trusted with my life. He’s a good guy and knows me inside and out. It will take me years to build that kind of connection with someone again. If you live your life constantly thinking that the grass may be greener, you’ll never settle down.”
“No, but if you never venture out of your bubble of safety, you’ll never realize it’s not the color of the grass that matters but how fucking good it tastes to smoke it.”
I pondered that for a moment. “That doesn’t make sense to me.”
“I know. I just made it up.”
“You suck, Channing.” I laughed.
“If you think about it long enough, though, it starts to make sense. And you’re smiling. That’s what matters.” He chuckled. “Okay, in all seriousness…sometimes people have to learn lessons the hard way. He’ll figure out his mistake and come back. It’s just a matter of whether you’ll be there when he does. The question is, if he came back today, would you take him back?”
“I honestly don’t know. A part of me thinks yes, only because that part of me still loves him. You don’t get over that so easily after nearly a decade together. But then another part of me doesn’t feel like I could ever fully trust him not to leave again. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He’s clearly not here asking me to take him back.”