I knew what she meant; I didn’t want to be in a box either. But I was living in one that I had built with my own two hands. I didn’t know how to break free.
“People change their careers and their course all the time.” I told her what I wanted to believe about myself.
“You’re right. It’s just scary, you know? Being a grown-up. We only get one shot at this. I don’t want to live with regrets.”
No regrets was easy to say but impossible to practice, I thought, exhausted. It had been a long day, and a longer week. Suddenly all I wanted to do was take a bath.
“Do you mind if I take a bath?” I asked.
“No,” Willow said, her eyes half-closed anyway.
“Get in bed, sleepy head,” I told her. “And thanks.”
“For what?”
“For being a friend, even when I make that hard.”
“Anytime, Mom.”
“Don’t say that,” I say, grabbing my toiletries bag. “I want to loosen up. I just don’t know how.”
“Do you ever watch porn? That loosens me up plenty,” Willow said, laughing.
“Oh, shut up,” I told her. I filled another glass of wine and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
“You know I love you,” Willow shouted as I locked the door with a click.
I knew she did. I also knew I needed to figure out how to love myself.I turned the water as hot as it could go, and plugged the tub. Taking another sip of wine, I set down the glass and turned toward the mirror, then pulled my long wavy hair into a messy bun atop my head. Peeling off my socks, skinny jeans, and black cami, I looked at my reflection.
My panties were bright red, and my bra matched. I had bought these last Valentine’s Day, for Blaine—and, unfortunately, he had gotten way too drunk off cheap beer after his band’s V-Day show to enjoy them.
I had buried them in my drawer after that, and hadn’t pulled them out until a few days ago when I boxed up the stuff he’d left at my apartment.
Standing in my bedroom, I’d held them up and looked at them, and realized I had wasted so much on Blaine. My sexy body had never been appreciated, not to mention my help in paying the bills and keeping him fed. He never said thank you. He never acknowledged how much I’d supported him.
So that morning, before leaving for vacation, I’d put on this bra and panty set. Now, looking at myself in the foggy mirror, I was glad I had. I wouldn’t waste any more time being undervalued.
Unhooking my bra, I remembered the way the guy in the lobby had smiled at me, how he had given me a second look. That was how I wanted to be seen: so desirable you couldn’t look away.
Without thinking I brushed my hands over my breasts, their full roundness too big for my hands. I allowed myself to indulge in the idea of the lobby guy rubbing his hands over them, pressing his fingers over my nipples and making them hard with soft strokes.
I unintentionally let out a moan, and Willow called out.
“Everything okay in there?” she asked.
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “I’m good.” Blushing at my reflection, I dug my phone out of my jeans pocket. I knew there wasn’t reception here, but I pulled up a playlist—a loud one that would muffle any noises.
Slipping off my panties, I revealed a well-groomed mound, one I always kept trim. I had always imagined Blaine ripping off my clothes and going down on me like guys did in the movies, but he never had. It was disheartening to realize after all that time he was never that into me.
Still, I would have been ready if he were. My body was ready for whatever encounter I might have. As for tonight, it appeared to be an encounter with myself.
I lit a candle and added some bubbles to the water. Setting the mood had always been important if I wanted to get myself going, and after this week I wouldn’t take any shortcuts.
Biting my lip, I lowered myself into the steamy tub. My fingers grazed my pussy, and I let out a deep breath as I allowed myself to relax. I tried to focus on circling my clit, but I couldn’t clear my head. Willow’s words kept ringing in my ears: No regrets.
Thinking back to her suggestion, I dried off my hands and picked up my phone. I had a video or two—or ten—saved on my phone for when I tried to get Blaine excited about having sex, but he didn’t like watching them with me.
But I liked the videos.
Willow and Courtney had no idea the kind of ideas I got in my head after not having incredible sex for such a long spell. I pulled up my favorite video and kept the music on full blast.