My finger hovers over the reminder. I should delete it. I'm just torturing myself by leaving it on my calendar, but I can't do it. I can't bring myself to remove it, delete her from my life.
“What did that phone ever do to you?” Chase asks from the doorway of my office.
Closing my calendar, I set my phone on my desk. “What do you want, Chase?”
“Aww, you're still in a shitty moody,” he coos.
“Fuck off. Do you have a reason for interrupting me? I'm trying to get some work done.”
“Right,” he says with a laugh, drawing out the word. “You looked more like you were trying to plot ways to blow up your phone.”
“Again, did you need something?” I ask, my irritation rising.
“Yeah, I need the linen contract for the West location.”
As I mentioned, All Fit is expanding. Just locally, we are currently in the easternmost part of the state, making the original location also the east location. We have two new sites in progress; one in the west and one in the south. I'm searching for properties for the north location too. It's not like I want to be worldwide, but I'm making strides here in my home state, and I'm proud of that. I just wish Winnie was here to share it all.
“Harrison,” Chase prompts.
“Sorry, I don't think I've run across that one yet.” I sift through the piles of paperwork and folders that litter my desk. I've gotten shit done these past couple of weeks.
“Careful, we might lose you to all that paper,” Chase jokes.
“Very funny, jackass. I’ve had a lot going on.”
“Listen, man. I know you’re torn up about the divorce, but you need to start moving on. You can’t live your life pining after her. She’s gone.”
“She’s not gone,” I bite back.
“Yeah, Harrison, she is. She divorced your ass. You’ve got to move on.”
“I don’t fucking want to move on!” I shout, way too loud for this time of day. I have a gym full of customers out there. "I don't want to," I say, softer this time. “It was a mistake, a huge mistake, and fuck me if I know how to fix it."
“Let's go out tonight. We can have a few beers at Twist of Lime. You need to put yourself back out there.”
“Jesus, Chase. Do you hear yourself right now? The ink is barely dry on the divorce papers, and you're already pushing me to find someone else.” Not that I'm surprised. Chase and Winnie got along, but he never could understand how I could tie myself to one woman. He's a self-proclaimed bachelor and owns it like a boss. You would think that I would have envied him, but it was the exact opposite. I felt sorry for him, and I still do. I may be divorced, but I know what it's like to come home to the love of your life. To fall asleep with her tucked tight against your chest and wake up the same way. I know what it's like to have her wake me up in the middle of the night to make love, and me her. Chase kicks them out before the condom hits the trash can. I know what it's like to always have her in my corner, always. Sure, we lost our way, but in no way could I ever regret the time we had together.
“What do you think she's doing, Harrison? Do you think she's sitting at home pining away for you? She wanted this, dude. The papers are signed, you have to accept it.”
“I don't know how I'm going to do that,” I say honestly.
“I don't know, man. What I do know is that you can't keep going like this. You've busted your ass—” He hesitates. “—you lost her from all the work you were putting in, at least that's your version. Are you just going to let all this slip away?”
Frustration tears through me. I want them both. I want this franchise to be successful, and I want my wife. Finding the folder he needs, I quickly sign off on the linen contract for the West location and hand it to him. “I did it for her,” I tell him. “All of it, for her, for us and now that she's… now that we're divorced, I don't see the point.”
“You need to get your shit together, man. This is your livelihood. With or without Gwendolyn, this is who you are. Unless you plan to pull the plug and lose the money and time you have invested, I suggest you pull your head out of your ass.” He points to the stacks on my desk. “You’ve got shit to do. Don’t get so far inside your own head, inside your pain and forget that. You have to keep going.” He turns and walks to the door. Stopping just at the threshold, he turns to face me. “If you did it for her, make it worth it. Make it the best it can be, the best I know you can make it. If you want to fight for her, fine, but don't throw away your career. Hire more people, delegate whatever the fuck you need to do to make this happen.”
I drop my pen on my desk and sit back in my chair, running my hands through my hair. “What do I do then?”
“You meet me tonight at seven at Twist of Lime. We’ll eat greasy food, have a few beers, and shoot the shit. Other than that, you want your wife back… you fight for her.” With that, he leaves my office.
Fight for her.
How in the hell do I fight for her when she won't even talk to me or return my calls? Grabbing my phone, I dial her number. It rings six times and then goes to voice mail. I didn't count the rings. I didn't have to. I've already counted them. Countless times while holding my breath, waiting for her to answer. “Hey, Win, it's me. I was uh… just calling to see how you're doing. I miss you. I know I'm not supposed to say that, but it's true. I miss you. I miss us and… just call me. Please.”
Tossing my phone back onto my desk, I think about what Chase said. I agree it's time I pull my head out of my ass before I lose everything I have left. I'm not going to hire someone to do the work I'm fully capable of doing. Besides, it will be a good distraction, at least I hope it will be. I need to throw myself into work and let it consume me. I can't make her call me, or return my text messages, no matter how badly I want to. How do you fight for someone who doesn't want you to? How do I convince her that we made a mistake?
Shaking out of my thoughts, forcing them to the back of my mind, I grab the first folder and get to work. I need to focus on what's here and now. Maybe she just needs some time, perhaps if I give her that, her heart will ache like mine and one day when I call she'll pick up. That's my new plan. I'll continue to call and text and engross myself in work. I am waiting for the day she reaches out. It doesn't matter how long it takes her. I'll wait forever.
I always assumed there would be time. I thought that we would figure it out. Days led to weeks, and weeks led to months. The next thing I knew I was being served with divorce papers. I can’t say why I didn’t fight then. I guess maybe I thought we wouldn’t go through with it. Regardless, I never should have let it get that far. I never should have signed those papers.
I want my wife back.
I push through pile after pile, signing invoices and contracts. I lost myself in the job, something that I’m apparently, extremely good at. It’s not until my phone alerts me to a message that I break my concentration.
* * *
Chase: 30 minutes
* * *
Shit. Looking at the clock, I see it’s six thirty. Shutting down my laptop, I grab the items that need to be mailed so I can drop them off on my way to the bar. Lucky for me, I pull into the lot just behind Chase.
“Didn’t think you’d show.” He smirks when we’re both out of our trucks.
“A man’s gotta eat, right?”
“See? That’s the spirit.” He slaps me on the shoulder and pushes open the door.
This place is familiarity and sadness. It makes me think of my wife, and if I can’t be with her, this is the next best thing. Not bothering where Chase is headed, I set my eyes on the booth in the back corner, the one we always used to sit at. It’s torture but I sit there anyway. I slide into the booth and grab a menu even though I don’t need it. They’ve served the same things since we started coming here all those years ago. Chase eventually catches on to where I went and slides in across from me.
“What are you feeling?” Chase asks.
Really? Since when is he all about feelings? “I thought we came here to eat and drink?”