“But it wasn’t your fault!” she objected, her wide eyes filled with tears.
“It wasn’t your fault either,” I told her, and we looked at each other for a moment, the pattering of rain the only sound around us. She closed her eyes and tears trickled down her pale cheeks, mingling with the raindrops on her skin. I took the risk and walked over to her, so close that I could have touched her if I’d tried. Like in slow motion her eyelids slid open and she stared at me. She didn’t react how I'd expected her to, though – scared and intimidated. She simply looked at me with unfathomable sadness in her brown eyes. Before I had time to think about my actions, I raised my hand and brought it closer to her face. Her eyes followed the movement but she didn’t flinch or make any attempt to stop me. Maybe I was making a big mistake that I'd regret later but I couldn't stop myself. I felt the need to touch her. My fingertips brushed against her cold cheek and the touch felt like electricity. Her eyes were soft and inquiring, and she didn’t look away for a second. Slowly, carefully I wiped the tears off her cheeks. It was futile since the tears were replaced by raindrops almost momentarily but it didn’t matter. All that mattered in this moment was that Amber allowed me to touch her. She raised a trembling hand, her eyes uncertain and resolved at once, and covered mine with it. It looked so small and delicate in comparison to my hand. With soft pressure she pushed my palm against her cheek and she tilted her head, leaning into my touch. The feel of her cheek cupped in my palm, her eyes shining with trust, I felt something I'd never felt before. It scared me a bit, but at the same time I wanted to embrace it and relish in it.
From the corner of my eye, I noticed movement and I turned my head slightly in that direction. Brian had stopped in front of the building and he was watching us with a mixture of jealousy and disbelief.
Amber dropped her hand from mine like she'd been burned and ever so slowly I lowered my palm from her cheek.
“Thank you, Zach,” she whispered, her eyes flitting over to Brian. I watched as she walked toward him and after a moment of hesitation I followed. Amber stopped right in front of him and lifted her head until she was looking at him. “Brian...” She began in a small voice but Brian shook his head, stopping her from continuing. Amber closed her mouth, anxiety filling her face.
“I came to apologize,” he said hesitantly, his gaze still flitting between Amber and me.
“It is my fault,” Amber whispered but again Brian shook his head, his expression determined. “No, Amber. It wasn’t. I know it's hard for you to allow closeness.” For a fleeting moment he looked directly at me. “And I shouldn't vent my anger on you.”
Amber bit her lip and Brian stiffened when she reached out for him. She curled her fingers around his hand and held on to it for a few moments. “I will try to get better, Brian. I want this more than anything,” she told him before releasing him.
Brian swallowed visibly and gave her a small smile. “I know you will get better,” he said but then his eyes swung to me and his expression hardened. “Why don't you go back inside? You'll catch a cold.”
Amber stared back and forth between Brian and me, hesitating.
“Go on. Brian’s right.” I gave her a smile and nodded my head in the direction of the entrance door. Slowly, she turned around and disappeared inside the building. As soon as she was out of sight, Brian advanced on me, his eyes burning with fury. “What the fuck are you doing with my sister?”
We stood nose to nose. My muscles tightened in anticipation. “Brian, I'm not doing anything with your sister. I like Amber and...”
“You like her? You like her!” he shouted, his expression a mask of anger. He jammed his palms against my chest. I stumbled a step back, fighting down the urge to defend myself. Brian was my friend. “Amber isn’t Brittany or any of the whores you usually hang around with,” he continued.
“Brian,” I tried to calm him and put a hand on his shoulder but he shook it off, looking barely like himself in that moment. He balled his hands to fists. I really hoped he wasn’t planning on punching me.
“No! You will listen to what I have to say. I won't let you play your sick games with Amber. She's broken and hurt, and I won't allow you to take advantage of her,” he growled.
My own anger spiked. “Don't you dare accusing me of such things! I'm not playing any games. I like her and I'm just trying to help her. What the fuck is your problem?”
Brian let out a dark laugh. “You like her and want to help her? You don't even know her!”
I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off.
“So you think you know her, know what she went through? You don't know anything. Do you understand how broken she is?” I shook my head slowly and swallowed a large lump in my throat. Brian didn’t even notice my reaction. “Three guys gang-raped her. They beat her and raped her, and then they left her for dead in the bushes. When a jogger found Amber she was more dead than alive, and when Dad and I first saw her she was in a coma. And when she finally woke, she wasn’t my sister anymore. She was someone else, someone broken and desperate and terrified. You don't know anything, Zach. You didn’t see her in the hospital three years ago. You didn’t have to witness how she tried to starve herself, how she took all those pills to kill herself, how she slit her wrists. You don't know a fucking thing!” Brian shouted, his voice breaking.
I was so shocked by what he’d said I could barely stand on my legs. “Brian...I...”
Brian stared up at the sky. “Amber might not be happy but at least she isn’t on the edge of another suicide attempt. Leave her alone.”
I didn’t know what to say. Brian lowered his head and looked at me almost pleadingly. “Listen, Zach. I know you're a good guy, but you’re not good for Amber. Your other girls move on after you’re done with them, but Amber would fall apart. I won’t allow it.”
“I would never hurt her, Brian,” I promised without hesitation.
“You can’t help it. You’ve never been in a serious relationship. Just leave Amber alone. I saw the way she was looking at you. I should have known. Girls are drawn to you like magnets.”
How was Amber looking at me?
He took a deep breath and he looked as if every bit of his strength was gone. “Don’t make her hope for something that can’t ever be.” His expression turned fierce again and he fixed me with narrowed eyes. “Because if you hurt her, I swear I will be your worst nightmare and you'll wish you were never born. Stay away from Amber.” Brian turned around and went back inside. I knew this wasn't an empty threat. Brian looked dead serious.
But I also knew I couldn’t stay away from Amber. I’d made Amber smile. She’d allowed me to touch her. I was a good friend. The problem was I was fairly sure I didn’t only want to be friends with her. And Brian was right. I wasn’t boyfriend material.
CHAPTER TEN
Amber
The next morning, I still couldn’t believe that I’d actually let Zach touch my cheek. I’d actually wanted him to touch me. I hadn't been scared. The look in his eyes had been so gentle that I'd just known he wouldn't hurt me. Zach always made me feel like a normal girl. He made me believe that there was the chance of a normal life for me. And when I looked at him, I just...I didn’t even know what I was feeling. It was something I'd never felt before and it confused and scared me. For so many years, I’d felt numb, had thought I was empty and lost, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore.
I needed to talk to someone about my feelings. Slowly I rose from my bed and walked out of my room. Pumpkin followed me and jumped onto the sofa in the living room, curling up into a tight ball and watching me with his amber eye. I was alone in the apartment. Zach and Brian had classes, and they wouldn't be home for a few more hours. I picked up my mobile and sent Reagan a text.
Need to talk. Can we meet for coffee?
Her reply was almost instant: Sure! I’m over at Kevin’s.
She spent more time there than in her own apartment. Jason and Bill didn’t seem to mind but I couldn't imagine anyone not liki
ng Reagan's company.
***
I knocked at the apartment door. It made me nervous to think that Jason or Bill might open the door. They'd avoided me ever since my break down and I was thankful for it.
Reagan opened the door. “Come in.”
She led me into the kitchen. It was an assembly of random furniture pieces. Not everyone could afford a designer kitchen like Zach. “Sorry for bothering you. Kevin and you probably wanted to spend some time together.”
“Nonsense. I always have time for girl talk,” she said with a smile. We took seats at the kitchen table, and Reagan scanned my face. “So what’s up?”