“You’re a good girl,” she whispers in my ear. “And my son will do well by you. Now get some rest. The sun will rise on another day, and we’ll put this all behind us.”
And then she’s gone into Sam’s room where there’s a little bed set up next to his crib. She shuts the door.
The whiskey’s warmed me through and made me sleepy. I rise, walk to the window, and look outside. From here I can see a dim light by the greenhouse, but everything’s at rest. I miss the view of the sea from Nolan’s balcony. It soothed me before I went to bed. We’re on the other side of the house here, not facing the ocean, and though it’s lovely and quaint here, clean and secure, it isn’t the same. I tell myself it’s the view that I miss, that’s all. But it’s the first night apart from Nolan since I came here.
My son will do well by you.
Will he, though? Or are Nolan and I through?
Were we even together to begin with?
Why doesn’t he come to me? Why has he sent me away? He had us leave his home, then brought us here. I wonder what he’ll do in the morning.
I wonder what I will.
I don’t ask for things and never have. I’m not that girl. I’m the independent one, who does things on her own. I’m the girl who finds her own way. I don’t depend on others. But now I’ve been thrust into a situation where I’m left with only two choices.
Leave and begin again, without the help of the McCarthys.
Or take their help.
I finally get ready for bed and sleep on the sofa. It’s a wild, restless sleep. I dream of guns and babies crying, and the places I traverse in my dreams is an odd conglomeration of the McCarthy mansion and the hovel back in Stone City. I wake when the sun rises, my eyes so tired they hurt. I try to get some sleep, but I can’t.
I want Nolan.
I want to see him. To feel him. I want to lay my head on his chest and be strengthened by his warm, firm hand on the small of my back. I want to kiss him and tell him thank you. I want to make slow, passionate love to him until we’re sated. I want him to take me, own me, dominate me in the way that brings peace and freedom to my mind.
But I can’t have those things.
I know now that I love him, and loving him means I have to let him live his life unencumbered with a woman like me.
Realizing this makes me ache, but at the same time I feel almost… free. I tell myself this is what selfless love is.
Maeve’s words from the night before echo in my thoughts, until it’s all I can think of. But it isn’t fair, to foist the troubles of my family on theirs. I don’t know how I can ask that of them.
A soft knock comes at the door. I’m dressed in joggers and a faded t-shirt Megan lent me. I toss the blanket aside and walk quickly to the door, so I don’t wake anyone else. Maeve opens the door, dressed in a robe, baby Sam against her hip. She smiles and mouths, “Good morning.” I smile back and whisper the same.
I go to the door. There’s a peep hole here, and when I look through I see not one but four men outside. There’s only one I have eyes for. He stands in jeans and a t-shirt as well, rumpled as if he slept in them.
I open the door quickly, and Nolan steps in.
“Are you all coming in, then?” I say, looking in surprise at the others.
“No,” he says. “This is the guard I left here for you last night. They’ll stay right here.”
I can’t let myself get all swoony over this, I can’t. It’s just standard, what they do for everyone under their protection. This is what I tell myself, anyway.
He slams the door, turns to me, and reaches for me. Before I can protest, his hands are wrapped in my hair and he’s kissing me, his body pressed up to mine as if he can’t take another breath without touching me. I pull away with effort.
“Nolan!” I say in a hissed whisper. “Your mother is right there.”
He holds the back of my head, his eyes burning into mine while he looks behind me.
“Ah, hi, mam,” he says. “I need to talk to Sheena alone for a bit.”
She smiles. “Of course,” she says. “Go on with you. Sheena, go pack the things you’ve got in his place and I’ll get the children ready and fed.”
“Thank you—” I start to say, but my voice pitches into a squeal. He’s yanking me straight out of the door.