Until now, she’d just been Ariana, the cousin of one of my best friends and a member of a family I loved and respected. Over the last year, though, I’d noticed her. She wasn’t just ‘a Townsend’ anymore, she was different. And when I was around her, I could breathe more easily.
Until now, the only person I’d had to consider was my little brother, Dale. Everything I’d done, I’d done for him. He was my priority, my focus, and even though we had the Townsend family supporting us and including us in what they did, he was the only person I felt like I could rely on. The only person I could let in.
I knew I needed to pull my head out of the sand and accept help or do something to get my mind sorted out about what had happened, but again there was an element of vulnerability. Opening up to a therapist—someone you didn’t know—about something that haunted you and ate away at you twenty-four hours a day, that was just laying yourself bare.
At night I dreamed of Ariana, dreamed of just being able to hold her and enjoy her laughter. During the day, it ate at me that I couldn’t do that, couldn’t live my dreams in real life. It was a special type of torture.
But her face as she’d run out the door, that was a kick to the balls. Ari wasn’t a mistake. Waking up with her was more than I thought I’d ever have.
The mistake was me. I was dirty. I wasn’t good enough for her, I’d smother her brightness.
Recognizing that my thoughts were taking me down a path I didn’t want to go down, I reached shakily for my phone, knowing there was one person I could speak to who I could trust to give me the advice I needed.
He answered on the first ring.
“You know, a call first thing in the morning makes me think you actually care about me, big brother,” he snickered, the sound of voices joining his. “I’m just heading for coffee. How are you doing?”
Digging my nails into my thigh, I used the pain to help me get the words out. “Dale, it’s time.”
“One sec,” he answered quickly, and the background noises disappeared. “Okay, I’m in a shop surrounded by wool and—” he sniffed loudly, “mothballs, so we can talk. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Putting the phone on speaker and throwing it down beside me, I grabbed a handful of hair, using the slight sting to ground me. “Yeah. I need to sort my shit out.”
“Do you mind me asking what’s brought about this change? After the last therapist, you said you were done.”
“Ariana.” It was an answer he’d understand immediately, knowing it carried a weight nothing else would.
“Jesus,” he mumbled but was stopped from saying anything else by someone talking to him.
“Hello, dear. It’s lovely to see such a young man taking an interest in knitting. Are you looking for something specific, or are you just looking for inspiration? I love to look at the wools and plan what I’m going to do next.”
“Uh…”
“We’ve got a new one in that has beads in it,” she whispered, saying the word like it was the most exciting thing since cable. “You add that into what you’re doing, and it’ll sparkle like glitter. I tried it last night on the blanket I’m knitting, and oh my lord, what a beauty.”
“Uh, yeah. Beads, I’ll take three,” Dale stuttered, his awkwardness evident in his tone alone. “And some of that sparkly black sh… sheep’s wool, too.”
The sound of excited clapping sounded, getting fainter as she moved toward whatever it was he’d asked for. “Do you need bigger needles? Men are so lucky, big hands and big needles are easy for them to hold. I’ve got little hands and the fuss I have when I’m—”
“I’ll take one of those, too,” he interrupted, sounding like he was close to panicking now.
“Just one? You need two to knit, dear. Or did you break one already? I did that when I was working on this blanket my daughter wanted. Why, I—”
“Two, please. And can I have some of that fuzzy stuff over there, too?”
As I listened to him panic buying stuff that he’d never use and was only doing to be respectful, the suffocating feeling started to lift, and I saw my future more clearly. Then I started to laugh at my brother’s spluttering and the discussion on knitting patterns going on now.
“I’ll remember to pearl one, I promise. Thank you for all of your help.”
The sound of a bag rustling followed him, but the old lady wasn’t ready to let him go yet. “Why don’t you join our knitting circle?”
My brother’s breathing sped up before he answered. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’m new—like, really new—to this. I’ll just hold you guys back.” And then I swore he ran out of the shop, his heavy footsteps audible down the phone. “Laugh it up, fucker. One day, this shit will happen to you!”