Not too long afterwards, my little niece, Sheena Josephine Bell, entered the world, screaming her lungs off and bewitching her daddy with her first breath. She was covered in vagina cooties and slightly bigger than Liv had been when she was born, but she was absolute perfection in every way. As her daddy emptied his guts up behind the car after he cut the cord, I leaned over Tabby and said the words I’d been practicing for weeks. “So, how about those mammaronis?”________________
Twenty-two days later…Store visit, take three. It was the third time I’d tried this - the first time ending with the birth of Sheena, and the second time ending with me throwing up after smelling a cheese that stank of mouldy ass farts. I doubted I’d ever be able to eat cheese again after that last visit, and I was pretty sure the manager was close to banning us from ever entering the premises again, but they say third time’s the charm, so I was risking it.
Liv had decided that she was sitting in the cart this time, too, so I was hoping to get this over and done with, with no drama. Yeah, a pretty stupid hope when you’re nine months pregnant with Bigfoot, and shopping with a two-year-old. Lifting her up had been agony, and it felt like someone was taking bolt cutters to my spine as I did it, but it had worn off pretty quickly, so I was good to go now.
Or so I thought.
Bending over to pick up a bottle of laundry detergent, I straightened up quickly when someone called my name, scaring the shit out of me. “Yo, Jose,” Hurst called, walking up to us. “Well, hey there, Miss. Olivia. And how are we today? You behaving for your beautiful momma?”
Nodding her head slowly, she tilted her head down so that she looked up him through her lashes, the move that made every male go gaga over her. Yeah, I was pretty certain the devil had a hand in what mood she woke up in every morning, but she hid it well for non-family members.
“Don’t let her fool you, Hurst. She’s been as grumpy as your bull all day, but she wants ice cream so she’s behaving.”
Grinning, he leaned against a shelving unit to reply, but ended up losing his balance and knocking a box of the powder type of detergent onto the floor. As soon as it hit the tile, the box split open and the white powder whooshed out of it.
“Snow!” Liv squealed, trying her best to get out of the seat of the cart so she could make snow angels in it.
“Stay where you are,” I snapped, holding her in place. “That stuff will make your skin all red and sore, baby.”
I was just about to hold my hand out to Hurst to help him up when the powder made my nose tingle, and one of those body wracking sneezes came bellowing out of me. That’s the only way to describe it – bellowing – because it was so loud and forceful that it wouldn’t have raised questions if it had been used in Jurassic Park.
And this was where karma came and kicked me in the ass for making fun of Tabby after she gave birth to Sheena. See, Tabby had accidentally sprayed air freshener and had sneezed, leading to her water breaking as she stood in front of the condoms. In hindsight, had I known that mine would also break in the store after a sneeze, and on top of powdered laundry detergent, I wouldn’t have joked about it for three weeks. I also would have stayed at home where I could go into labor with as much dignity as possible. Alas, that wasn’t the case as the amniotic fluid splashed down on top of the powder. Hurst hadn’t been looking at me as he tried to get up by himself, sliding on the powder each time he got his feet under him, but thanks to my daughter screaming, “Mommy did a sissy on the snow, mommy did a sissy on the snow,” he didn’t miss it. Like that wasn’t embarrassing enough, up came his grandson Tom just as Liv got the last round of announcements out of her system. “Hey, how’s it… Dude, did you pee yourself again, Gramps?”
Glaring at him, Hurst was about to reply when he glanced at me and saw me staring in horror at the mess that was getting worse by the second. “Yes, yes, I did,” he sighed, doing his best to reduce my embarrassment by taking the blame. “I need adult diapers and potty I can carry everywhere with me.”
Shaking his head, Tom looked at me over his shoulder. “I’m sorry about this, Jose. And to do it in front of the pretty princess, too,” he paused and looked down at where I was staring. “Uh, is that from him or you?”