Plus, it’s not like he left me with the ruined pants. He came to the bathrooms pretty quickly with a new pair of pants and a packet of wet wipes for me, and regardless of whether he did that for his vehicle, or for me, I don’t know. But these ones were better than the ruined ones, so I kinda won.Chapter 18Jose
Three days later…After discussing it, Tabby and I had emailed Burt separately, asking our own questions, and answering the ones he had for us. Tabby had broached the idea of us meeting at some point with him, and I was cautious about it, but intrigued at the same time. I’d realized yesterday that I had no emotions about what was going on – not that I was numb, just I had no emotions about it, if that makes sense? I hadn’t ever banked on meeting him or talking to him, it was actually a miracle that he even knew of my existence at all, and I hadn’t even known anything about him to miss him from my life. Yes, I’d missed having the dad that some of my friends had when I was growing up, but that was about it. So, every bit of information that came from him contradicted that numbness. I was excited when I checked my emails, but numb when I read them. I was intrigued, but unsure what relevance it all had to me and what I was meant to do with it. I just couldn’t figure out which way I was feeling because it moved quickly between two extremes.
What kept me grounded and stopped me from withdrawing into my thoughts was Liv, Ellis, my sister, and my work. I’d taken on more projects for companies, big ones that I normally only did one of at a time, so that I was never left alone to think about it all. It was big money – and who didn’t love big money? – but it was also a lot of work, attention to detail, and migraines, because of the amount of time I was looking at a screen. Doing them while being an at-home parent wasn’t as hard as people thought, and we quickly developed a routine that was compatible with the extra work. Ellis was amazing, always caring and supportive, and he and Tabby kept me distracted from it all. But on the whole, I kept a lot of what I was thinking about the introduction of my biological father into my life quiet because I just couldn’t find the words to describe it to myself, let alone anyone else.
Which led me to now, standing at the sink after doing the dishes, and staring out of the window at Ellis’s dark yard. I must have been in la-la land because I didn’t see his reflection or even hear him as he walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around me, and resting his chin on my shoulder. He certainly heard my reaction as I screamed and yelled, “Frogs fucking in a manger!”
I will never be able to figure out where those words came from, or why they even happened. I’d gone from not being able to find words, to one's flying out of me that made no sense.
“Frogs fucking in a manger?” Ellis choked, burying his face in the side of my neck and laughing hard enough to shake me with it. Still trying to get over the shock, I snapped defensively, “Well, does anyone know where the words come from when they get a fright? I doubt it.”
“But frogs fucking?”
“They deserve a mention now and then! Frog sex is probably very underrated.”
“Jesus,” he wheezed, only just getting the word out through the laughter. When it left him, it left me with a damp patch on my neck where his breath had hit each time he laughed. Normally, something like that would be annoying, but with Ellis it was the exact opposite. Even that should have been annoying, but the man just made everything sexual, and he was very good at the sex so those sexual things were no issue for me. “You’ve been quiet,” he said gently, “how are you holding up?”
Taking a deep breath in, and steadily blowing it out again, I watched his reflection as he adjusted his arms, holding me that bit more securely. This was what he gave to me – security, and it was unconditional. I wasn’t a taker, I wanted him to feel as secure as I did, and I knew that by giving him what I was about to, it would go a long way to showing him how deeply I trusted him. Emotions are best shown with actions because words very rarely express them properly, but on this occasion, it was mixing both together that would do that job. “I was just thinking about that, and it’s hard to find the words to describe it. I never had any information about my biological dad, so I had nothing to go on, and in a way, I feel numb but also intrigued to the point of being almost excited. Does that sound strange?” I angled my head around to see his face when I asked that, waiting to see him look at me like I was crazy. When he replied, though, it was like he’d read my mind. “It’s not strange, I’d guess it would be pretty normal. You’ve probably thought on many occasions about what he was like or wondered where he was, but now that he’s actually here, you don’t know what to do about or feel about it.” He got it! “So, you’re excited to find out more about him, but you don’t really have any idea what you need that information for. Is that close to it?”