With all of this going around in my head, I realized there was only one plan of action that I could take – I was going to have to call for backup, and that someone would have to own a gun. I couldn’t call the military – although I really wanted to – and I couldn’t call the National Guard – although, again, I really wanted to. This left me with one option – our handy sheriff, and I was damn well going to call him Dave from now on if he came through for me on this. Seeing my phone still charging on the bedside table that was closest to the creature the Jurassic period forgot, a genius idea hit me, one that would keep me at the distance I was currently at from Jurachnid.
“Hey, Siri,” I called out, waiting for her to answer me. Just then, the spider went further back and moved the legs that were in the air in what I took to be a really threatening way. I had no idea about the displays of arachnids and what each individual arm wave meant, it could be sign language for all I knew for the lyrics to YMCA, but what it was doing looked really hostile and made me freak out even more. Jesus Christ, animals could smell fear, couldn’t they? What if it knew it was winning and ran and attacked me before help got here?
Close to hyperventilating, I removed my hand from my mouth to squeal at Siri again, then promptly replaced it back where it had been. Thankfully, this time she answered me, and I quickly mumbled around the fist, “Call Sheriff!”
“Ok,” she replied, and I felt the tension in my tightly clenched butt ease slightly. Was that how people got hemorrhoids? “Calling Ellis.”
“What? No, I said call…” I gave up arguing with her when the ringing noise began and decided I’d take whatever I could get. After two rings, he answered. “You’re going and that’s final.”
Shaking my head, and then realizing he couldn’t see the bovine sized sci-fi spider nightmare in front of me, I whispered as loudly as I could, “I need help.”
There was only a second of silence from him before I heard the sound of keys clinking. “What’s wrong? Is it Liv?”
Oh shit, what if the spider brought his friends and family with him?Gulping, I took a step back as the spider moved slightly. “Just get here.”
That might have been enough to get him on his way, but just then I squealed and jumped forward when something hit my back. For a second I’d thought it was a bigger one of them (we’ve all seen the movie), but then when I realized it was the wall, I panicked in case there were more spiders on it. For all I know, this could be one of their tactics – one comes in and scares the human into walking into the trap of the elephant-sized spider. Again, who hasn’t seen the movie? It could have been based on a real-life story for all we knew, and now this was it happening all over again. Fear makes us all think differently than we would normally, doesn’t it? I knew I was being stupid, but rational thought wasn’t possible right now…I had arachnid paranoia.
“I’m on my way,” he reassured me. “Is the door open?”
Was he high? Of course, it wasn’t open. That would have meant that a psycho had free access to my daughter, myself, and my home. Although, that locked door hadn’t kept this psycho out had it?
Whimpering when all of its billion legs took another step forward – at least, the ones that were still on the ground did – I whispered, “No.”
“Ok, hold tight, baby. I’m going to stop at Tabby’s and pick her set up, then I’ll be right there. I’ll only be a couple of minutes, so don’t move.”
If he’d seen the size of what I was staring at, he’d have realized how unnecessary it was to say that. There was no chance in hell that I was going to move, not even to blink. Although, as soon as I had that thought I needed to blink in the worst way, so I did, and then panicked over whether or not the spider had moved in the millisecond my eyes had taken to close and open again. Then I remembered why I’d wanted to call Dave specifically in the first place. “Bring your gun!”
“Jesus Christ, Jose. What the hell’s going…” he growled, and then all I heard was beeping as the call dropped, leaving me all alone with the ugliest and most hostile spider I’d ever seen in my life. Not that I recall seeing that many of them, I guess I was just lucky, but this one had them all beat. All of those Facebook and YouTube videos where the spider drops from the ceiling, the ones where you see it eating a lion, whatever – this one was the worst.