I knew I sounded brusque, but I was trying hard not to let too much emotion into my voice. My brain was cluttered with all the tangled thoughts and questions about my feelings. I was trying to work it all out, to understand them, but it was harder than I ever could have imagined. All those thoughts were confused and angry, hurt and even a little scared.
I didn’t want to take them out on her. As much as it hurt me, I would rather send her away.
Lindsey looked like I’d slapped her across the face, but she didn’t argue. She stepped back from the truck and gave a single nod. “Fair enough. I guess we do both have a lot that needs to be dealt with. Thank you, again, for the ride. And for being there for me yesterday. I appreciate it.”
“Of course,” I said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
Forcing myself to roll up the window, I drove out of the parking lot before either of us could say anything else. My house seemed utterly quiet and empty when I got back. I sat down on the couch, and Frankie jumped up. His head rested on my lap, and I stroked his soft fur. Now would be the time when I would usually talk to him about what I was going through. But even he couldn’t help me this time.
I shucked off my clothes and replaced them with cotton lounge pants and an old, worn T-shirt. With nothing else to do, I popped a massive bowl of popcorn and drowned it with butter before carrying it into the living room. I spent the rest of the afternoon stretched out on the couch watching movies. When the popcorn ran out, I went for cookies. My sweet tooth satisfied, I brought in a plate of crackers and cheese. The rotation of snacks accompanied by a parade of beer kept me company and helped distract me.
Sending Lindsey back to her house was supposed to be about me getting the chance to really think about how I was feeling. It was meant to give us distance and offer me some perspective. But I couldn’t bring myself to think too hard on it. Not right then. Every time I did, the hurt and anger only got worse, and I didn’t want to deal with it.
I stayed there on the couch until late into the night. Frankie started protesting me still being awake, and I assuaged him by turning off the TV and going into my bedroom. He wasn’t just a creature of habit when it came to getting up in the morning or wanting his dinner at the same time at night. Frankie had given himself a bedtime.
I brushed my teeth and splashed water on my face, then got in bed. Turning out the lights, I hoped sleep would come over me quickly. But my eyes stayed stubbornly open. As the hours ticked by, my sleep stayed fitful and sparse. I finally crashed sometime after three and woke up to the sound of my alarm angry and out of sorts.
That anger stayed with me through the next day all the way up until it was time to go to Quentin’s house for Sunday supper.
When I’d first brought Lindsey with me to the barbecue, I thought that was it. It was going to be our weekly activity now. Whether the dinner was at my parents’ house or Quentin’s, Lindsey was coming along. And it seemed everyone else thought that way, too, because when I walked in, their eyes immediately went to the empty spot by my side.
“Is Lindsey doing okay?” Quentin asked. “I thought she’d be here.”
“Well, she’s not. She had other things to do,” I answered.
“I heard there was some sort of private event at the bar last night. There weren’t problems with it, were there?” Mom asked.
“Not as far as I know,” I said. “But I don’t keep up with every detail of her business. It’s hers to worry about.”
When the others had given up and gone to sit around the fire pit, Nick approached me. He held a beer in one hand and offered me another. I took the bottle but didn’t open it.
“Is she doing okay?” he asked. “Like, really. After everything from Friday, is she coping alright?”
I turned a glare toward him. “Shouldn’t you know that? I thought you knew everything about her before everybody else did.”
I walked away, needing to be alone for a couple of minutes. I was ready to write off the whole day and go home when my father came up to me.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
I shrugged dismissively. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve been snapping at everybody since you’ve walked in here. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the change that’s come over you. I love you, son, but I’m telling you right now. Whatever crawled up your ass, it needs to vacate by tomorrow,” he said.