It was so much, so overwhelming. A thousand questions and moments of fear and uncertainty rushed through me. Much of it was irrational. All of it came from ignorance and not being prepared. Now it was just a part of who my son was. I learned quickly that just because he couldn’t see didn’t mean he couldn’t engage with the world or with me. We bonded through touch, sound, and smell.
I wouldn’t say it was always easy for me. There were definitely moments when I wished he could see. But I never said that out loud. It was something I never wanted him to hear. Remy was a sweet, energetic, and affectionate boy. He never complained about being blind or made any indication that it was something that bothered him. He was so little, but I still admired him for that positivity and resilience. I thought he was so strong and inspiring.
That made the pain even worse when I thought about Grant and his parents having custody of him. They got to see so much more of him growing up. They were there for him when he woke up in the morning and when he went to bed at night. They were the ones who made his meals and introduced him to new foods. They played with him and read to him. When he wanted a hug or a cuddle, it was one of them who gave it to him. Unless it was one of our short times together, everything he needed came from them. I never thought it would be this way.
I thought them taking over his care was about convenience. When I first took over the bar again, it took some time for the money to be good. There were a lot of changes that needed to be made after my father died, and it all cost so much. I wanted to make the bar the best it could be, which meant modernization of the kitchen, improved sound equipment, modifications of the bathrooms, and more. I had to put so much into making it what I knew it could be I didn’t bring home as much as Grant.
Not to mention the sheer logistics of caring for him. With three adults available, it was far easier to coordinate constant care for Remy. I thought it would be easier to make sure he got everything he needed. In my mind, I would see him all the time, and Grant and I would co-parent just as we planned from the very beginning.
But it never worked out that way. Immediately, Grant and his parents went back on the agreement. Their cruel, vicious attacks began, and my time with my son dwindled down to almost nothing. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t fight back. The bar was making good money now, but nothing compared to Grant’s family. I couldn’t afford the type of lawyer who would be able to stand up against them. Right now, my only option was to take pleasure in the time I had with him. Then do all my crying in my car as I left so he would never hear it and Grant would never know.
I was still wiping tears from my cheeks that afternoon when I got to the bar. Valerie, one of my waitresses, was just opening up for the day. She gave me a grin over her shoulder and stepped back so I could go inside first. I trusted everyone who worked for me. When I came in after my father died, the one thing about the bar that I knew I wouldn’t change at all was the staff. Everybody who worked there worked for my dad when he was alive. I knew they had my back, and I could trust them to take care of the bar with as much love and consideration as I would.
Not only was that good because I knew they would open up if I couldn’t be there on time, but it gave me flexibility. Having employees at the front of the bar getting set up for dinner service when we first arrived meant I could go back into my office to do administrative work. It was my habit to spend my first hour of the workday in the office going through reports, putting together orders, and reviewing receipts.
That day when I closed the door behind me and sat down behind my desk, I didn’t immediately start my computer and open the file of papers in front of me. Instead, I pulled out my phone and went through the few pictures I’d taken of Remy earlier before I had to leave Grant’s place.
Last Friday, I was angry, but that Thursday, I was just sad. My heart ached to spend more time with my son, and I felt helpless not knowing what I could possibly do to change the situation. I was glad when Nick came in. He had quickly become my best friend in Charlotte, and he always helped me to feel better and more centered.