I couldn’t think of anything. I stared at the empty pages of that notebook, willing them to tell me something. I wanted my father. I wanted his wisdom and guidance. Throughout my entire life, he had always been there for me. He was always the one I was able to turn to and tell about my problems. Even if he wasn’t able to fix them for me, he could give me exactly the right advice or suggestions to help me figure it out for myself.
But not this time. This time, we were on our own. We couldn’t hear his voice. We couldn’t see what he might be thinking in the expression on his face. Every decision we made was based on what we felt, rather than what we knew he wanted. It was painful and demoralizing.
I was unbelievably happy when it was finally all over. We had done the best we could to come up with what he would want. But it was almost suffocating. Each one of those decisions took a little bit of my breath away. Then it was a matter of going through the stages. I had to say goodbye to my father over and over again. At the wake at the bar. At the visit at the funeral home. At the service. At the graveside. At the reception at my mother’s house.
Every time, I was forced to live through it all again, and to hope we were doing something that made him proud.
The turnout for the funeral was exceptional. I knew I didn’t speak to everyone, even though I wanted to. I was grateful Brian showed up. Having both Ava and Brian there with me kept me strong, and I managed to push through. Finally, it was over.
When it was done, a sense of relief washed over me. But it didn’t soothe all of the painful emotions. I was still on edge that night at work. Being there was comforting, but it wasn’t enough to completely clear my mind. Halfway through the night, I heard someone shout in protest, and I looked over just in time to see a drunk guy stumble backward like he had been pushed.
He bumped Ava, taking her by surprise and knocking her to the ground. Rage surged up inside me. It was like anger and pain had been boiling inside me for days, and now it finally erupted. Not even bothering to walk around through the swinging gate, I planted my hands on the bar and jumped over it. I landed right next to the drunk man, who wasn’t even trying to help Ava, and I grabbed him by the back of his shirt.
Wrenching him to the side, I pulled him around and punched him directly in the face. The feeling of bones cracking beneath my knuckles was satisfying, but not enough. A woman sitting at a nearby table reached down to help Ava up off the floor, and she cried out when she turned around and saw the drunk man with blood running down his face.
She screamed as I planted another punch into his face. I punched him again, and Ava pled with me to stop. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop, laying into him until he was barely moving anymore and another guy came and pulled him away from me.
As soon as he was out of my reach, it was like a spell over me broke. My attention went back to Ava, and the panicked feeling of worry washed over me again. Despite her protests, I scooped her up into my arms and rushed her out of the bar. She’d hit the ground hard, and I needed to get her to the hospital to make sure the baby was okay.
Ava wouldn’t even speak to me. She sat sullenly, keeping her eyes turned away from me while the doctor checked her. She first checked the baby’s heartbeat, and I was thrilled when she was able to find it easily.
The doctor left the room for a moment and came back with an ultrasound machine. I watched as the screen beside Ava suddenly showed an image of our baby.
It was grainy, but unmistakable. The doctor pointed out the different features, and I felt a sense of hope and love unlike anything I had ever experienced.
“So, everything’s okay?” Ava asked.
“Everything is perfect,” the doctor said. “Your baby looks great. Right on track for almost twelve weeks gestation. Congratulations, you’re about to enter your second trimester. Do you have a regular prenatal care provider?”
“Yes,” Ava said. “I actually have an appointment next week.”
“Perfect. I will get that information from you and get in touch with your doctor just to let her know what happened. Just take it easy for the next couple of days. Everything will be just fine,” the doctor said.
“Thank you so much,” Ava said. “I really appreciate it.”