It wasn’t like before, when I was electrocuted. Again, no light beckoned me, and I wasn’t given a choice to live more days as Ronin Alexander.
A blip.
Same voice.
Two words: “Not yet.”
Okay, it wasn’t my time to die, yet. That didn’t answer the question—why did my heart stop?
“And Lila …” Mom left her name hanging in the air, wiping her tears.
My brow furrowed. “Yeah,” I whispered. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, out of my body.
“She’s still alive.”
I nodded once. “For now.”
“You think she’s going to die?”
“We’re all going to die.”
“Ronin, you know what I mean.”
Leaning forward, I set the mug on the coffee table. “She survived the surgery. They’re moving her to Denver because she’s stable. I’m sure she’s on blood thinners to keep her from throwing a clot. Still … things happen.”
“What if she doesn’t?”
Sitting back, I ran a hand through my wet hair and grunted a laugh. “What if Lila doesn’t die? Wow … that’s pretty messed up. Her living shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not supposed to be this way.”
“She was supposed to die?”
“Yes.” I clamped my mouth shut and rubbed my temples. “I mean … No. She wasn’t supposed to die. She wasn’t supposed to fall off the cliff. She wasn’t supposed to cross the barrier. She wasn’t supposed to go off on her own.”
“Why didn’t you wait for someone else to tend to her?”
I shook my head. My entire life at that moment felt like a perpetual headshake. Total disbelief. Massive confusion. “Because she wasn’t breathing.”
“But you knew you couldn’t save her at that point. You knew the rules.”
“Fuck the rules! It was Lila!” Tears burned my eyes as I gritted my teeth. “I couldn’t not try to save her. Graham was right there. I couldn’t look him in the eye and just … do nothing. My wife’s best friend. My friend. It was …” I rubbed my hand down my face. “Lila … It was Lila,” I whispered.
“What are you going to do?” Mom rested her hand on my leg.
I didn’t have a clue.
“Wait.”
“For her to die?”
Staring unblinkingly at my mom, I shrugged. “Or live.”
“When Madeline gets home safely and Lila’s transferred to Denver, you need to tell Evelyn everything.”
“What if I don’t know what everything is anymore?”
“Then tell her exactly that. Give her honesty every step of the way.”
“What if she doesn’t believe me?”
“Then you make her see it.”
If she didn’t understand, it left only one option—I was crazy. Who lived their life with a crazy person?
“Your dad doesn’t believe it like I do, but he knows you’re not crazy. There’s a middle, Ronin. If you can bring her to the middle, that’s good enough. She doesn’t have to believe it like we do to accept you. And she’s already halfway there. You know this. Every time you end up in the hospital and they can’t figure anything out, Evelyn loses it. She hasn’t been given a logical explanation, so at this point, I think she will latch on to anything you give her if you can show her it’s your truth.”
I cringed, leaning forward.
“What is it, Ronin?”
“Lila …” I blew out a long breath to release the tension that gripped my body. They were doing something to her at the hospital, maybe getting her out of bed. Whatever it was, she was feeling serious pain.
“How are you going to go back to work?” She stroked my hair.
“I don’t know yet.” I leaned back and closed my eyes. Sometimes giving all my energy to the worst area of pain actually lessened it, but it wasn’t easy when so many parts of my body vied for that top spot.
Corey took Madeline home the next day, a day after Lila was transferred to Denver. They anticipated she would be in the hospital two more weeks. I requested a few more days off work, hoping by some miracle I could do my job by then. It wrecked me to think that miracle had to be Lila dying.
With the help of little things, like celebrating Franz’s fourth birthday, the pain started to subside; that was good for both of us. However, I had a feeling that Graham was encouraging Lila to stay on her pain medications, which meant the reprieve was temporary.
Among all the other chaos, Sophie got the flu, so Evelyn had to go back to work. My parents agreed to stay as long as we needed them. My dad thought that meant until I returned to work, but I knew my mom figured it meant until the funeral … because she believed Lila’s fate had already been determined.
I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
“Ronin!” Evelyn glanced up from the half-constructed display toward the back of the store. No one else was in there at the moment. She brushed off her hands and quickly found her way into my arms. “What are you doing here? You’re out on your own. You must be feeling better.” Pulling back just enough to look up at me, she grinned.