I welcome the days I get called into work. It’s an emotional reprieve for a few hours. I even get invited out with Jade and a few other people from the ER. I laugh on cue, smile when someone looks at me, and occasionally contribute one or two words to the conversation. But mostly, I think about Trick.
Trick: Wife – had toast, jelly, and eggs this morning. I miss my breakfast soul mate. Could you tell her I’m thinking about her?
I cry, missing him so much … but I’m still crumbling.
By Christmas I’m numb, eight weeks without seeing him or hearing his voice. Two texts, that’s all, and I couldn’t even muster the emotional strength to reply to either one. I left him. He’s being respectful of my wishes and giving me space. But sometimes I wonder if it’s too much space. Is he still waiting on me? The last text was over three weeks ago. Will someone else fill the void I left? Before leaving for Nana’s I call Tamsen.
“Merry Christmas! God, I miss you. We are getting together for New Year’s and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
I smile and it’s genuine; I think the first one I’ve had since leaving New York. Tamsen has that effect. “Merry Christmas. I miss you too, and New Year’s is definitely a huge yes.”
“So I was late sending my gift, but you should get it by Monday.”
“What? You shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t get you anything. Now I feel like a terrible friend.”
“Whatever. It’s nothing big. So did Santa come to Darby’s?”
I laugh. “Not yet. I’m going to Nana’s for brunch and we’ll exchange gifts there. What are you doing?”
“Praying Grady doesn’t burn down the joint. He and Trick are frying a turkey on the patio, which I don’t think is allowed in my building.”
Just his name has my breath held hostage in my throat, heart pounding, tears stinging the back of my eyes.
“Who are you talking to?” Grady calls in the background.
“Darby,” Tamsen replies.
“Give me the phone. Hey, baby girl! Merry Christmas.”
“Thanks, Grady. You too.”
“Just because you’re not talking to my boy doesn’t mean you need to snub me. I haven’t heard from you since Thanksgiving. Do I need to schedule us a spa day?”
I laugh, wiping my tears. “That sounds amazing.”
“It’s a date then. Before I head back out to LA we’ll have a Grady Darby day. Deal?”
“Deal.”
“Fabulous. I have to check on Turkey Tom. Love you.”
“You too.” The numbness I felt a few minutes ago has completely dissolved and the pain is pulsing from old wounds.
“Sorry about that.” Tamsen laughs. “He’s such an attention hog … Trick, check the potatoes in the oven,” she yells. “Ugh, it’s crazy around here. I’d better go.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Love you. Tell Nana Merry Christmas from us.”
More tears fall. “Okay.”
“New Year’s … call you soon. Bye.”
“Bye,” I whisper after we’re already disconnected.
I cry, missing him so much … but I’m still crumbling.
*
I take a massive detour to Nana’s. This morning’s phone conversation put me into an unexpected tailspin, and now all I can do is think about Trick, but they’re no longer just thoughts, they’re a need. This sudden need takes me to Rogue Seduction. I frown when I see the For Lease sign in the window. I had no idea Grady gave up on finding a replacement for Trick. Part of me wondered if Trick went back to work, like I did—guess not.
As I pull around to the back of the building, I push the button to the garage door.
Empty.
I pull in, get out, and flip on the lights. Barren, there’s absolutely nothing here. I take the elevator upstairs and step out into another completely bare room. Not a single piece of furniture or anything of Trick’s or Grady’s. I open a few kitchen cabinets and then the refrigerator.
Nothing.
I don’t know why but right now, I’m feeling as hollow and empty as this place. As I turn to leave, something catches my eye. It’s a package on the floor leaning against the glass wall to the bathroom. I move toward it with caution, a weird sense of fear. Bending down I take the envelope that’s taped to it with my name on it. Pulling out a folded sheet of paper, I take a deep breath and let it out with tears … so many tears. I have no idea what all these words mean yet, but just seeing his handwriting and my name at the top brings so many emotions to the surface.
Darby,
If you’re reading this, it means you’re here. I don’t know why you came, but with no word from you I’ve come to believe it’s to say goodbye. If it makes me a coward, so be it, but I cannot hear those words fall from your beautiful lips. So here’s all I can give you right now. I hope somewhere in these words you’ll find the closure you need.