I swallow hard, a few tears rolling down my cheeks. “Sex, they led to sex.”
He nods. Somehow him actually admitting it cuts deeper than I imagined.
“Every time I tried to get out she threatened to turn me in and assured me when the cops showed up they’d find enough drugs at my place—the place she purchased in my name—to put me in prison for a long time.”
“How long?”
“How long what?”
“How long did you fuck them?”
He flinches like a slap across the cheek.
“Two years.”
“Did you love them?”
“I love you.”
I close my eyes. “Did. You. Love. THEM?”
“I hated them … I hated myself—still do. Time will never erase my past; prison would have been better. Because I’m in hell right now, and I don’t think I’ll ever escape.”
How fitting, I feel like I’m drowning and will never surface.
“I’m going back to Chicago—alone.”
“Darby—” He moves toward the bed.
I scoot back, shaking my head. “Don’t.”
“I’m dying—” His voice cracks and a single tear bleeds down his cheek. “Why can’t I touch you?” The pain in his face sucks a little more air out of my lungs … out of my life.
“Because right now all I see is you with them. Threesomes! I see your hands on them, your lips on them. I see you fucking them!” I shake my head and wipe my tears. “You could have fucked a million women that wouldn’t have mattered, but instead you fucked the one that does … the one I can’t forget. I-I just … can’t … forget.”
I know how much my words must hurt, and as much pain as I’m feeling, my intention isn’t to hurt him.
“You’ll never know how sorry I am.” He turns, slamming the bedroom door behind him.
*
Except to use the bathroom, I don’t leave the bedroom until Tamsen gets home.
“Hey.” She opens the door, holding up a sack. “I brought you dinner. Trick messaged me earlier and said you hadn’t eaten yet today.”
I sit up, rubbing my eyes. “Thanks, but I’m not hungry.”
She shuts the door and pulls the sandwich out of the bag, setting it on the nightstand. “But you still need to eat.”
All I can do is stare at the ceiling.
“Trick said you’re going home tomorrow.”
“I am. You have work and I…” I shrug “…I need time.”
Tamsen nods. “He loves you.”
“I know.”
“But it’s not enough?”
I shake my head. “I wish it were. I know he didn’t lie to me. I know he had reservations about us because of his past. I tried to think of every scenario and if it would be a deal breaker, but this … this I could never have imagined.”
“Is this a deal breaker?”
I blink away the tears. “I don’t know. I love him; I will always love him. It’s not about forgiveness; I forgave him the moment the words fell from Rachel’s lips. That was a choice, but forgetting is not a choice. So the question is can I accept it and … I. Just. Don’t. Know.”
“Whatever decision you make will be the right one.” She kisses the top of my head. “Now, I’ve got to go shove some food down your husb—Trick.” She gives me a sad smile. “He said he’s not hungry either.”
“Tamsen,” I call as she opens the door. “It’s completely inadequate, but thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Chapter Fifty
“You look like shit.”
Sprawled out on the sofa, feeling a breath shy of dead, I stare at the ceiling. “Well then, at least I look better than I feel.”
Tamsen lifts my feet, sitting down under them. “She needs time.”
I nod. “And to think for years I wanted to remember. At least now when she leaves me, I’ll understand why.”
“You don’t know that she’s leaving you.” She grabs my hand, giving it a squeeze.
“You didn’t see her. She wouldn’t even let me touch her. It fucking guts me. She’s my wife, a room away and it feels like we’re not even on the same continent. The ocean between us is so deep, but I want to cross it … even if I die trying.”
“You’re a strong person … one of the strongest I know. You will survive, no matter what.”
“Tamsen…” I fight back the fucking emotions that feel like they’re stabbing my soul “…I don’t want to survive without her.”
She stands then bends down, kissing my cheek. “I know, babe. But sometimes you do things you don’t want to … things you think you can’t, and those are the defining moments in your life.” She covers me with a blanket. “Night, sweetie.”
“Night.”
Today my friends stopped picking up after me. Grady offered to come to New York, but I told him I needed to do this alone. Tamsen listened, but she never tried to solve my problems or even offer false hope. I love the hell out of them for their ability to let me find my way, just as much as I’ve loved them for showing it to me.