I sit down in my chair and immediately start drinking another glass of wine as I try to calm myself by counting down from ten. It takes four times before I no longer feel like I am a danger to myself or others.
The rest of the afternoon goes by without any further penis-related incidents. All cupcakes have been consumed, minus the penis cake toppers that I removed before serving them.
Once everyone has left, I plop down into my chair and throw my feet up on the one Austin sat in. “That was fun, right?” Kaleigh asks.
“You told people I had a strange excessive hair issue on my hoo-ha that required a complicated bikini wax and styling.” I glare at her.
“I was trying to get Josh to imagine that you’re a woman with a hairy bush so he doesn’t ask you out again!” She drinks from the wine glass she is holding in her hand. “You’re welcome.” She smirks.
“What the hell are we going to do with all those penis balloons?” I look around, hoping to see that some of them are deflating. Sadly, they are all still fully erect and happily smiling at me. “Asshole,” I grumble under my breath.
“What’s the story with Noah?” Kaleigh tries to be casual so I don’t pick up on her curiosity over him.
“No idea. He’s Austin’s best friend from what I gathered today,” I tell her while looking at Rachel, who is running in circles with, unfortunately, a penis balloon in her hand. “Ten minutes to bath time!” I call out, hoping she acknowledges me, but she just continues her one-girl—with a penis balloon—parade.
“Mom,” I hear Gabe call from behind me. “Can I go to Jesse’s house to kick around the ball?”
I check my watch and see it’s almost seven. “Only for thirty minutes, okay?” I know he’ll be forty-five minutes.
“So, what are you going to do to Austin for all of this?” Kaleigh asks, pointing to the balloons.
“Nothing.” I smirk. “We called a truce.”
“I know that smirk. I’ve been on the receiving end of that smirk!” She sits up.
“I mean, we called truce today, right? We didn’t call truce on Wednesday when he made me run back out for a fucking crisp kosher pickle, because the one that came with his sandwich was limp, right?” I ask her with a perplexed smile on my face.
“What did you do now? From the pictures, his balls were almost the size of Gabe’s soccer ball.”
I slap the table. “You saw pictures?” My mouth hangs open.
She nods her head yes. “I did. Not the actual frank, though, just the beans. But they were ginormous.” She motions with her hands, forming them into huge round objects in the air. “Now, what did you do!”
“Nothing that will make any part of him swell. I will never, ever do something like that again.” The guilt still runs through me. “I may have shred one of his parking tickets that had to be paid by yesterday so he could avoid his car getting booted,” I confess quietly, looking into the glass I picked up from the table.
“Holy shit. I hope you kept the photocopies, because you can’t not pay that. He is going to know it was you,” Kaleigh warns
“I know, I know. I kept them, so just relax.” I put my hands on my hips and state defensively, “I’m going to pay them.”
“When?” she asks, earning her an eye roll from me.
“Next week,” I reply as I get up and ignore any further commentary from her. “Rach, bath time.” I walk to the back door. “Don’t you dare sit there and judge me, missy.” I point at Kaleigh. “By the way, the potatoes had butter in them. That’s for the bikini wax,” I say before I turn my back to her and walk inside with the sound of her curses filling my ears.
The next week goes by without any more incidents. It seems we are both on our best behavior. Well, I am. He’s still a Neanderthal, and I’m almost tempted to not pay his tickets, but I promised Kaleigh I’d be the better person. Apparently though, I was one day too late on that, because at around one o’clock, he storms out of the office without a word, running down the stairs instead of taking the elevator.
Twenty minutes later, he comes storming back in, huffing and puffing as he stops at my desk.
“Did you pay my tickets?” he asks as I pretend I’m shuffling around papers and hoping that he can’t see my heart practically beating out of my chest.
“Um, yeah, I did. I have it here somewhere. Why?” I glance up and see the vein in his forehead is twitching and some sweat is gathering at the side of his face, obviously from running down the stairs.
He puts his hands on my desk, leaning into me as I lean back in my chair. I know I should be pissed that he’s in my space, but I only feel a trickle of excitement. “Why, you ask? Because Trent just called from downstairs. They booted my car and towed it.”