“I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.” He turned his head toward me. “I just… I have so many bad feelings about that medal, and to see the contrast in real time…it’s hard to process.”
“Well, I don’t want you to have bad feelings about it.”
“I don’t think I do anymore. I think…that’s just an old memory. This is my life now. I found the woman I’m supposed to be with, and that’s even more clear when I see that hanging proudly in our living room.” His eyes caught the light of the fire, his brown eyes dangerous but affectionate at the same time.
Our living room.
“I was bitter and broken.” He turned his body into mine, his arms circling my waist. “But you made me whole. She manipulated me, lied to me, tricked me to get me to stay. But you made me forget all that…made me trust again.”
My eyes softened, and then the guilt started to hurt my stomach.
His hands moved into my hair, and he kissed me in front of the fire, deep and purposeful kisses, his mouth tilting from side to side, his breaths changing from deep to slow, from desperate to peaceful.
His kiss was the most potent drug. It pulled me into the moment and made me abandon everything else. It made me feel safe…like nothing else mattered.
Thirteen
Deacon
I felt like shit.
I almost called the whole thing off.
Leaving the country, leaving my son and Cleo, felt so goddamn wrong right now. It was the same dread I’d felt when I left Valerie and moved to New York, but my rage kept me going, convinced me that I needed to do that for my own sanity.
This wasn’t the same at all. I’d only be gone for a week.
It would pass so quickly.
But it still felt like straight-up abandonment.
Valerie was out of the country, and I would be out of the country. I wasn’t worried about Cleo’s ability to take care of my son while I was gone, but I felt odd leaving him there without his mother or father.
And I just didn’t want to leave Cleo…because I would miss her.
I’d have to sleep alone every night, in a big bed in a hotel room, lonely.
I rolled the suitcase to the lobby then stopped to the left of the doorway. My driver was parked outside, but we stayed inside because it was way too cold to stand on the street corner for our goodbyes.
I kneeled and addressed Derek first. “I’m gonna miss you, little man.”
“I’ll miss you too. But you’re only going to be gone for a week.” Derek took my departure well, not even slightly uncomfortable by the fact that both his mother and I wouldn’t be around. It didn’t cause him unease or anxiety at all, probably because Cleo had become a mother to him, a better mother than his own had been.
“I know,” I said. “But I’ll still miss you.” I pulled him into my arms and held him tightly, feeling his heartbeat against my body, feeling the little boy who was half me. Most people would probably enjoy a break from fatherhood and a trip outside the country, but I wasn’t excited at all. I loved being home with Derek. I loved coming home to Cleo every night. I used to be so independent, but now I had developed this strong sense of codependency with Cleo, which was remarkable considering my hermit-like qualities. I kissed his forehead. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Dad.” He pulled away.
I rose to my feet then looked at Cleo. For some inexplicable reason, it was just as difficult to say goodbye to her as my own flesh and blood. The bracelet I gave her was on her wrist, her father’s watch on mine. My heart ached as I looked at her, feeling terrible for jetting off somewhere when all I really wanted was to be home with her.
She wore a smile, putting on a brave face to make my departure easier, but I knew it was hard for her, knowing I would spend a week with a woman who was obviously attracted to me. And Cleo would miss me every single moment until I returned. “Have a good time.” She moved into me and hugged me tightly. “Everyone will love your presentation.”
“Thanks…” I squeezed her waist as I pressed my face into her neck, inhaling her scent for the last time. I wished I could take her with me.
She pulled away, still smiling. “Send us lots of pictures.”
I loved her more because she was trying so hard to keep this casual, like it wasn’t really a goodbye even though it was. “I love you.”
Her eyes couldn’t keep up the stoic expression anymore, and they softened. “I love you too.”
I cupped her face and gave her a kiss. “I’ll call you every day.”