My heart hasn’t been the same since. How am I supposed to go on without him? Slade Cruz was my everything. I was supposed to walk down the aisle to him one day but instead, I’m walking down the aisle to a fucking creep tomorrow.
You know, I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care about anything. I’m being a good little girl and my family will be safe back home and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what happens to me. It’s not like it could get any worse than having to live with this black hole inside of my heart.
I haven’t moved from this room since Lucien locked me in here, except for when I’m escorted to the bathroom three times a day. My food is brought to me, my laundry is taken from my door, and my personal trainer is taking it one step further by not only making house calls but making room calls.
It’s fucking ridiculous. The trainer that is. He tries every day to make me move but why should I bother when I have nothing to live for? Slade is gone and I’m not going to spend my days trying to make my body just right to fit the specifications of another man. No, fuck that. I’d rather gouge out my own eyes.
Every day since Slade was…
Every day has been hard. I’d give anything to see him, if only for a second. God, I’d give it all up for him. Why couldn’t he have taken me with him? I would have preferred to be shot then we could have spent the rest of eternity together but he left me here. I’m so mad at him. Why did he have to die? Why couldn’t he have just stayed home in Aston Creek and lived a full and happy life? He would have gone to the NBA and been a star but now he’s just some high school kid who is going to be a story that people tell their kids one day.
He was so much more than that. He deserved so much more.
How could I let this happen? Maybe if I’d gotten away from the guard sooner or if I’d tried to leave instead of spending those wasted hours in Blake’s old bedroom. I could have run then and found Slade along the way. If I knew he was coming for me…shit.
The ‘what ifs’ have plagued me for eleven days but I’ve stopped crying about them now, not because they don’t tear me apart but because they’ve already drained all of my energy. I literally don’t have anything else to give. The only reason I haven’t joined Slade on the other side is because Shay and Blake need me. Besides, one day, I’m going to be watching Blake on my TV running up and down the court in the NBA because I know he’s going to beat this. His leg is going to get better and Shay is going to be there by his side every step of the way, making sure he keeps his head on straight.
I’m hoping that after this sham of a wedding tomorrow, Marcus will be a little more lenient on the rules. I doubt he’s going to keep me locked up like Lucien and Maria are now. I’ll be able to find a phone then and who knows, maybe one day I’ll feel safe enough to run but until I can guarantee that my friends and family won’t be harmed due to my actions, then here is where I’ll be.
Slade would be so upset to know that I’ve given up. I bet he’s been looking down on me, shaking that glorious head of his. I can only imagine what he’d say. ‘I didn’t fall in love with a quitter.’ He’d probably finish that up with a nice, stinging smack on my ass before reminding me all night long why he loved me.
Loved. Past tense.
Fuck. The tears start pouring.
I guess I had the energy to cry after all.
The door rattles and I whip my head toward it while wiping the tears off my face.
It’s him. It has to be.
Lucien hasn’t come anywhere near me over the past eleven days. I guess that’s my one silver lining in all of this. Maybe Slade is looking out for me from above, though it could also have something to do with the fact that Maria has been hounding me about dress fittings and table settings. She even forced me to learn a fucking wedding dance which I honestly can’t say that I remember.
If I’m not locked in my room, eating my scheduled meal or performing crunches and burpees for the trainer, Maria is hounding me and I honestly couldn’t care because if I’m with Maria, I’m not with Lucien. She has a nasty habit of slapping me but over the last few days, she’s been avoiding my face.