My stomach turned, but as I reached for the handle of the sliding glass door, I paused. I smelled like ass.
I turned and ran up the stairs two at a time, throwing my clothes off as soon as I’d reached my room. After a fast shower, I threw on some basketball shorts and a T-shirt, not even bothering with boxers. I wanted to get outside and figure out what the fuck Kate had been laughing at.
As I hit the hallway, I heard Iris fussing in Kate’s room. She’d left her in the fucking house?
“It’s okay, princess,” I called softly, walking through the open doorway to find Iris jerking her arms and legs furiously in her bassinet. “Did Mama leave you all alone in here?”
I picked her up out of bed and rubbed her back for a minute while she hiccuped.
“Daddy’s here,” I murmured against her bald head, rocking her from side to side. “Let’s get that wet diaper off you.”
I laid her on the bed and grabbed a diaper from the top of Kate’s dresser, talking the whole time. “I don’t know what your mommy was thinking, leaving my princess in here all alone,” I crooned, my voice somehow keeping Iris calm. “She’s outside with your brothers and sister and Daddy’s friend Miles. He’s a jackass. You stay away from him, okay?”
I smiled as Iris froze, like she was listening intently.
“Daddy was not very nice,” I said, pulling her little pants down her legs and unbuttoning her onesie. “I wasn’t even there when you were born, and I’m really sorry about that. But your mama came home with me anyway, so that means there’s a chance, right? As long as Miles keeps his you-know-what in his pants.”
Iris lifted her hand to her face and tried really hard to get it to her mouth, her eyes unfocused as I babbled.
“You’re doing so good, princess. Look at you, not even crying while I change you. Such a big girl.” I finished re-dressing her and pulled her to my chest. “You think your mama could love me again?” I asked, kissing her little cheek. “Probably not, huh? We’ll just have to keep working at it so you can live with Daddy forever.”
I sighed and grabbed the dirty diaper from the bed, leaving the room. I walked slowly down the stairs, relishing the few minutes I had Iris to myself. With so many people in the house and Iris connected to Kate’s breast half the time, I hadn’t had much time with her one-on-one.
I tossed the diaper in the trash and nonchalantly strolled outside with her, only to find Kate and Miles staring straight at me.
I froze, trying to figure out what they were staring at—I knew I’d put on pants—until Kate lifted her hand up.
Holding a fucking baby monitor.
Miles cleared his throat. “Congratulations, jackass,” he said quietly, letting me know that they’d heard every word I said.
Son of a bitch. My face and neck suddenly felt like they were on fire.
* * *
“I wouldn’t leave Iris in here by herself,” Kate said softly that night as I crawled into bed behind her. “And I’d never take her away from you.”
I didn’t reply. What could I say?
“I can’t be some sort of stand-in for Rachel,” she whispered, making my heart sink to my stomach. “I’m not her. I don’t want to be her.” She sniffled, and I moved closer, silently wrapping my arm around her waist. “I want to be me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, Katie,” I murmured, pulling her back into my chest. “I just want a chance.”
“A chance to what, Shane? A chance to sleep with me? A chance for another blow job? I’m already the mom—I’m already doing that part. So what exactly do you want?”
“I want to be with you.” I stumbled over my words, my thoughts becoming more jumbled the longer I tried to verbalize them.
I just wanted her. Even without the kids, I’d want her. The kids just made that bond a million times stronger. I wanted her to look at me the way she’d looked at me when we were stupid teenagers—like I could do anything. I wanted to see all the changes that carrying Iris had done to her body. I wanted to map her curves with my fingers and know when she was about to start her period because I’d been with her so long that I could recognize the signs. I wanted the little things and the big things.
But she’d never believe me if I tried to tell her that.
I’d pushed her aside for so long that there was no foundation to build on. Just a mess of shattered pieces that I’d crushed with a sledgehammer every time she’d grown closer than I was comfortable with.
I didn’t know how to be with someone like Kate. She’d demand more from me than anyone ever had before, and that was terrifying. Because even though the history between us had proven that she wasn’t going anywhere, I’d learned over the course of my life that people left.