“Come here,” he said gently, reaching for Iris. “Have you tried a binky?”
“I—she hasn’t ever had one.”
“Do you have any?” he asked, gently rocking Iris as she screamed.
“I think maybe in her suitcase. My mom got her a couple when we were at the hospital.” I threw open the suitcase and dug through it, finally pulling out a couple of pacifiers in a plastic bag. “She even sterilized them.”
“Hand me one,” he said quietly, reaching toward me.
It took a few minutes of him teasing Iris with the binky before she sucked it into her mouth, and I breathed a sigh of relief as the room grew silent. My eyes were scratchy and heavy from all the crying I’d been doing, and it took all I had not to reach up and rub at them like a little kid.
“Climb in bed,” Shane crooned, looking at Iris but speaking to me.
I crawled onto the bed, sighing as I relaxed. A few moments later, Shane was cracking open the door and shutting off the light, leaving us in near darkness. I turned onto my side and curled my bottom arm under my pillow as he set Iris against the front of my body.
I stopped breathing when he walked around the bed and crawled in behind me.
“I know things with us aren’t—” He sighed and scooted his body forward until he was spooning me. “I don’t want to sleep without you anymore.”
“This isn’t a good idea,” I whispered back, staring at the sliver of light coming through my bedroom door.
“Just sleep, baby,” he said gently, smoothing my hair off my face and neck. “She’ll be ready to eat again soon. Sleep for a little while.”
I didn’t think I’d be able to fall asleep with his warm body behind me, but it was only minutes before I was completely passed out.
“Shhh,” I woke to hear Shane whispering near the end of my bed. “Daddy’s going to just change your diaper so you’re all clean before you eat. You don’t want to eat your breakfast in wet drawers, do you?”
I opened my eyes slightly and looked down to see Shane trying to wrangle Iris into a clean diaper. He wasn’t having a very easy time of it as she squirmed and flexed her legs.
“Come on, sis. We can do this. I need your mama to be happy with me. Help me out a little, would you?”
I snorted, and Shane’s head popped up. When he met my eyes, his face flushed. “How long have you been awake?”
“Not long,” I rasped back, groggily. “My boobs are hard as rocks.”
“Yeah, she slept for almost four hours. She must have worn herself out last night,” Shane said, carrying Iris to me.
I fiddled with the little snap on the front of my tank top and blearily pulled down one side as Iris began to squawk. My eyes were still barely open as he laid her down next to me, and I startled as I felt a cool fingertip run over my nipple.
“They’re darker,” Shane said roughly as he turned Iris toward me.
“Like a bull’s-eye,” I mumbled, finally using one arm to situate Iris and get her nursing.
Shane barked out a quiet laugh, and I smiled. In the hazy place between sleep and wakefulness, everything was right in the world.
“She looks like you,” he murmured, running his finger over Iris’s cheek. “Her eyes and her nose.”
“She’s got your skin,” I said back, closing my tired eyes. Four hours hadn’t been enough sleep.
After a little while, I woke back up to Shane disengaging Iris from my nipple and instructing me to turn over. After a little maneuvering, I was on my opposite side, and Iris was once again nursing.
“It’s okay, baby,” Shane said as I tried to keep my eyes open. “Just sleep.”
“You’ll stay?” I asked as I relaxed my head into the pillow.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he answered as I fell back asleep with Iris’s tiny little fingers digging into the skin of my breast.
* * *
“I’m awake,” I mumbled as Sage came barreling into my room the next morning.
“Daddy’s making breakfast,” she told me excitedly, climbing onto the bed. “And Gunner pooped while he was sleeping. It got everywhere. So disgusting.”
“Are you happy to be home, Sage the Rage?” I asked, pulling her closer and wrapping my arms around her.
“Yeah, now that you’re here.”
“Your dad was just trying to do what he thought was best,” I said, giving her a squeeze. “You know that, right?”
“Yeah, but it sucked.”
“I agree, kiddo.”
“Hey, Auntie Kate?” she said softly.
“Yeah, princess?”
“Who’s Iris’s dad?”
My breath caught in my throat as I was blindsided by her question. It had been months since any of the kids had mentioned Iris’s dad, but I shouldn’t have assumed I’d have more time. Sage was almost nine—she wouldn’t be held off with bullshit much longer.