“No,” he argued desperately as I heard two car doors shut almost simultaneously. “Is she okay?”
I shook my head, trying to catch my breath.
“Kate! Is she okay?” he screamed at me, his anguished voice filling the room as I’d wanted mine to just minutes before.
“No,” I answered through gritted teeth, feeling snot running down my upper lip as I heard him make a noise deep in his throat. “She’s gone.”
He didn’t say a word, and less than a second later the connection was broken.
I could barely force myself to reach across the table for a tissue as I scrolled down my contact list and pressed SEND again. I wasn’t finished.
“Hello!” Her voice made me whimper in both relief and sorrow.
“Mom?” I rasped.
“Katie?”
“I—I—”
“Take a deep breath, baby. Then tell me what’s wrong,” she ordered.
“I need you and Aunt Ellie to come down here,” I cried, straightening my back and wiping the tears from my face. “I’m not—I don’t know what to do.”
“Okay, we’ll find a flight,” she answered immediately, like flying from Portland to San Diego was as easy as walking across the street. “Now what’s going on?”
“Rachel was in an accident,” I ground out, the words like gravel in my throat. “She didn’t make it, and I’m worried about Shane.”
“Oh, Katie. My sweet girl,” she said sadly. “We’ll be on the first flight down, okay, baby?” Her voice became muffled as she covered the phone and yelled shrilly for my dad.
“I just, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing,” I confessed with a sob. “Shane isn’t here yet, and I don’t think I can see her, and the baby is in ICU.”
“The baby’s okay?”
“Yeah, they said they were just keeping him under observation.” I rubbed at my forehead, trying to convince myself that it was all just a nightmare. Where was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to do now? My best friend in the entire world was there in that hospital, but not really. I couldn’t bear to see her. I couldn’t help her. Where the fuck was I supposed to go? “What do I do, Mom?”
“You go see your nephew.”
“What?”
“You go to the NICU, and you hold your nephew, and you tell him everything is going to be okay,” she told me, tears in her voice. “You go love on that baby. Where are Sage and the boys?”
“They’re with a neighbor. They’re okay.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“Dad found some flights. I’m on my way, princess,” she told me gently. “We’ll be there soon. Now go take care of our new boy.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too. I’m on my way.”
I made my way to the NICU as quickly as I could, and within minutes I was holding my new nephew in my arms. The nurses told me that he’d passed all of his tests with flying colors, and I was in awe as I sat down in a rocking chair, cradling him to my chest.
“You sure got a shitty beginning, little man,” I murmured against his fuzzy scalp, rocking back and forth gently. “I’m so sorry, buddy. You’re probably missing your mama and that warm bubble you’ve been in for so long. I can’t help you there.”
I sniffled, closing my eyes as tears rolled down my cheeks. My whole body ached, and even though I had that little boy in my arms, the day seemed like some sort of surreal dream, foggy in some parts and crystal clear in others. I wanted to hop up and take his sleeping little form to Rachel, to tease her about the weird Mohawk thing he was sporting and make joking comments about how men always seem to sleep through the hard parts of life. I wanted to see her smile proudly at the sturdy boy she’d produced and grumble that I was hogging him.
I wanted everything to be different.
I hummed softly with my eyes closed for a long time, holding the baby close to me. It was quiet where we sat, nothing breaking up the stillness of the room until I heard someone open the door.
“There he is,” the nurse murmured from the doorway.
My eyes popped open to see Shane’s ravaged face just feet from me. He looked like he was barely holding on. I swallowed hard as his red-rimmed eyes took in his son carefully before rising to meet mine.
“Is he okay?” he asked thickly, searching my face. I’d never seen him so frightened.
“He’s perfect,” I answered, my voice throbbing with emotion. “The nurses said he’s a rock star.”
He nodded twice, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hand, but before he could say another word, he was stumbling and falling to his knees with an almost inaudible sob.
Chapter 1
Kate
One Year Later
Where are my monsters?” I yelled, rushing in the front door.
The house was quiet as I made my way through the living room carrying an awkwardly large gift bag. I should have just wrapped Gunner’s birthday present, but I hadn’t thought I had the time. I felt like I’d been running late for the past year, and that morning had been no different.