I downed two more shots and looked over my shoulder to glower at the table where Layla had sat with her friends the night I tried to run into her and then kissed her in the car. One of the many times she’d told me we couldn’t see each other anymore. Maybe it was time I got it through my thick head she didn’t want me.
“Tyler,” I heard my name and looked around. My eyes settled on my brother who walked in jangling his keys.
“What are you doing here?” I said.
“Luke gave me a call. Said you might need a ride.”
I shrugged.
“Did you plan to spend the night here?”
“No.”
“Come on,” he said.
I finished my beer, threw some money on the bar and followed him out.
“What’s got you looking for answers in a bottle?”
“A woman, what else?” I said.
“It’s been a long time since we drank together. I don’t remember you getting bitter as the night went on.”
“Easy to say when you have everything,” I said.
“Jealous? The vineyard? The restaurant and hotel? Or the family?”
“Maggie got a sister?”
Jeremiah shook his head. “Wouldn’t matter if she did. You want who you want brother.”
“Yeah, well you give shitty advice,” I slurred.
“Maybe I give excellent advice, but you didn’t follow it.”
“I wrote her a letter and went to see her. She wouldn’t read it.”
“That’s harsh. Maybe she’ll read it now that you left.”
“She wouldn’t take it from me. Or look at me. She was in pajamas at six o’clock. Who does that?”
“People who like pajamas,” Jeremiah said. “What did she say?”
“She can’t be with me. That was it. Said she had the flu and was waiting for soup delivery. Hey, can you drive me over there? I wanna make sure she’s okay.”
“Great idea. I was thinking I’d drive you over to her place at eleven at night shitfaced drunk. Because if she didn’t want to see you when you brought her a love letter, she’ll for sure want to hang out now,” Jeremiah said.
“You’re a real smartass. You’re enjoying this aren’t you?”
“Your pain? No. You acting like an idiot, kind of,” he said, “but in the morning you’ll thank me for not letting you wake her up now.”
“I don’t want her to have the flu. Even if she’s not with me,” I said forlornly.
“Oh God. Here we go. You’re a sad drunk. I remember this.”
“I am not. You’re a loud, obnoxious drunk,” I said peevishly.
“Yeah, I am. Those were the good old days,” he laughed.
He swung his car into the parking lot and let me out near my cabin.
“Guess you’re leaving town,” he said then. “You know I wish you’d stay.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, “thank you for the ride. For picking me up and giving me hell, and not letting me make things worse.”
“Anytime, brother, “ he said, and drove away toward the house he and Maggie had built.
I went in the cabin and started doing pushups beside the bed. I knew if I tried to sleep, I’d just dream of her. I dreaded the naughty dreams of Layla now as much as the nightmares of Afghanistan. Because I was starting to realize I might never recover from either.
20
Layla
“In conclusion, I’m deeply thankful for the support and collaboration of my team at the health department and especially Dr. Novak’s mentorship and guidance. We look forward to bringing the outpatient addiction and trauma recovery program to the community starting in November. This grant will allow us to reach hundred of local survivors and help support them on the path to recovery from addiction and the residual impact of trauma in their lives. Thank you all for coming today,” I said and as they applauded, I took my seat.
I smiled at Dr. Novak, who nodded her approval. I was so excited to head up the committee to develop the grant-funded program. Dr. Novak took the podium for a brief q&a session and thanked the grantors again on behalf of us all. I touched my belly as secretly as I could. Hear that, baby? Mommy did a good job at work. That bonus is gonna get you a nice crib. I smiled to myself.
Maggie came up behind me, “Hey, I snuck in.”
“Dodging daycare duty already?” I said.
“I love my daycare center. I just love you, too. You gave a great speech. Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” I said. “It means so much that you came.”
“I’ve got to head back now, but I owe you a margarita on Monday. Are you coming?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” I said.
I hadn’t told her yet because of Tyler being Jeremiah’s brother. I knew she would keep a secret if I asked, but I didn’t want to put her in that position of keeping a secret from her husband for me. Sarah Jo knew, and my doctor knew. In a way, it was a bittersweet feeling. I had this baby all to myself. It was a special closeness, having this secret, knowing my life was changing so rapidly. I talked to the baby sometimes, just in my mind if I was at work, or aloud at home. If I sang along to the radio, I told the baby about the song. At the same time, I was sometimes bent double by sadness and loneliness and the knowledge that this is how it would be forever. Me, on my own, looking after the baby. No one to lean on. No one the share the good stuff with.