“He was in town this morning with I guess the girl he was with yesterday,” he tells me, and I look at him with my mouth hanging open. “Someone told Kallie, and she told me.”
“Oh my god,” I say, putting my hand to my mouth. “How fucking …” I start to pace in the kitchen. “How pathetic is this going to make me look?” He watches me as I pace. “My first boyfriend takes off for five years, leaving me without a second look, and the man who I was going to marry is with a new girl five hours later.”
“That doesn’t make you look pathetic,” he says. “It makes us look like idiots.”
“What are you talking about?” I shout at him.
“You left Drew,” he points out.
“Oh, yeah, ’cause that sounds better. We aren’t together because he was fucking another woman because I didn’t give it up to him.” I close my eyes and put my fingers on the bridge of my nose. “Oh my god. It took them three years to look at me without pity when you left,” I say, and I can see him wince. “No offense, but I used to walk into places, and it used to be, ‘Oh, dear, you’ll find love soon.’ What a fucking asshole.”
“If you want, we can head into town now and make out in the middle of Main Street.” He smiles at me. “Can you imagine what they’d say?”
“Yeah, I’ll be the biggest bitch of all time. It’s no wonder she left him. She never got over Ethan.” I mock the way the town would talk.
“Did you?” he asks, and I look at him. “Did you get over me?”
I think about my answer. Well, I know my answer, but I’m not sure I’m ready to admit it. “What are you asking me, Ethan?”
“I’m asking if you got over me,” he asks point-blank.
“Do I even have to answer this question?” I shake my head. “You heard Drew. I never slept with him, and I was going to marry him.”
“That could mean so many things,” he says to me. “It could be that you weren’t attracted to him. It could be that you weren’t ready for it. It could be you were saving yourself for marriage.”
“Saving myself for marriage. We slept together five times a week, if not more!” I shout at him, and I want to take it back. I don’t want him to know that I still remember. “I think saving myself for marriage was out the door.”
“When I would be out on a mission, we sometimes would have to wait it out. During those times was when I used to talk to you the most,” he tells me. “In my head, I used to tell you about my day.”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I say, shaking my head. “I thought I could do it, but I don’t know if I can.”
“Why?” he asks, crossing his hands over his chest. “Tell me why.”
“Because it hurts,” I say, the pain in my chest heavy again. “Because it hurts right here.” I point at my chest. “Because those years without you were the worst. Because knowing you were out there without me was unbearable.” I wipe the tear away.
“Because you love me,” he tells me. “I know you do, Em,” he says as he comes around the counter, and I hold my breath. My heart speeds up faster as he cups my face in his hands. “I know because I love you just as much. Thinking about you for the past five years was my own living hell. I thought it was what I deserved for walking away from you.
“Every single birthday, I would watch the sunrise. Every single time I would walk outside, I would look up at the stars and wonder where you were. Every single time my heart beat, it beat for you.” His voice goes soft, and his face comes closer. “You can fight it all you want, but you and me, Sunrise, it’s a forever kind of love,” he says, and his lips find mine in the softest way for just for a moment. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken that kiss. I told myself that I would wait for you to be ready.” His hands fall from my face, and my hands come up to touch my lips.
“What if I’m never ready?” I ask, and he looks down.
“Then we are going to be two sad single people for the rest of our lives,” he says. “I’m going to head out.”
I don’t move from my spot in the kitchen as I hear the door close, and then his car starts, and he drives away. I open the oven, taking out the food, and eat by myself at the island. It’s not the first time I’ve eaten alone in this house. I spend most of my meals alone, and I am okay with it. I sit here, playing our talk over and over in my head. I think of Ethan and his talk, and then I think of Drew and his blatant disrespect for me by bringing his girl into town less than twenty-four hours after returning his ring to him.