“Ethan.” I’ve whispered his name to myself for the past five years. I used to stand there in the middle of the kitchen and say his name until it didn’t hurt anymore. I would say his name in my dreams as I chased him. I would say his name while I curled into a ball and cried out for him. “We don’t have to do this.” I swallow down, my mouth suddenly dry. “All we have to do is be polite when we see each other, and that is it.”
“Sunrise,” he says. I walk out of the door with my hands balled by my sides.
“Don’t call me that!” I yell. “Let’s just get this over with. I have things to do to prepare for tomorrow.”
“There are some things that we need to talk about,” he says. I stand, folding my hands over my chest to stop them from shaking.
“Really?” I say. “I don’t think we actually have anything to talk about.”
“You know that isn’t the truth.” He stands, but I don’t want him to come closer to me. I can’t do this if he’s any closer.
“The only truth I know is that at one time, you said you loved me,” I say, forcing myself not to let him see the hurt that he did to me. I’m trying to be strong for me. “And then you didn’t.”
“I have never not loved you,” he says. “It was just …” Putting his head back, he looks up at the sky and releases a deep breath. “It was a shock. I was in shock when I got that letter. It rocked my foundation. Sitting in my truck, I read the words over and over again, thinking that someone out there was lying. But then the truth hit me in the face, and my whole life or whatever life I thought I had was a lie.”
“Nothing was a lie,” I say, and he looks at me, shocked that my tone is so angry now. “They didn’t lie about the love they gave you. No, they kept a secret, and you don’t even know why. You never even stayed to ask why. You just took off.”
“You don’t know what it feels like to have your whole fucking life flash before your eyes and suddenly feel like you don’t know who you are,” he says, throwing his hands up. “You don’t know what it’s like to wonder who you really were. I wonder if my birth father raised me instead of Jacob, would I be this same person? Who the fuck would I be?” His voice goes down. “I didn’t know who I was at that moment.” He runs his hands through his hair. “So, you don’t know, Em.”
“You’re right; I don’t know,” I say. “I will never know. But …” I look down, and the tears come and sting now. “I know a couple of things. Your mother and your father love you with everything. They gave you everything.”
“It’s not that easy,” he tries to tell me. “You just don’t know. I had to find out who I was.”
“I hope that you found out who that man was because the Ethan I knew was pretty fucking spectacular. That Ethan would never bring pain to the people he loved. That Ethan wouldn’t just throw me aside as though I was a piece of garbage or yesterday’s paper by the side of the road. The Ethan I knew would have held my hand and let me help him through it. The Ethan I know would have been man enough to face this head-on.”
“I never ever meant to hurt you.” He wipes his own tears. “I never meant to hurt anyone. You will never know what it’s like to doubt your existence. How could I marry you without knowing who I was? I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t do it to myself. How could I be a man to you and a father to our children if I doubted my whole life?” He looks at me. “I was never going to come back. In my head, Ethan McIntyre died that night.” He trails off the last words.
“He isn’t the only one who died that night.” I want to be so strong but can’t as I relive it. “You walked away that night, and I chased the car.” He looks at me shocked. “I ran as fast as my legs would let me. I ignored the burning that I felt in them. I saw you throw the phone out of the window and speed up even faster. I ran until my lungs burned, and then I fell in the middle of the road, and all I could do was watch the two red lights disappear into the darkness while I cried out your name. While I begged you to come back. I didn’t move from the middle of the street for a long time. I waited for you to come back. I waited for you, and you never came.”