“What the mother fucking hell!” My phone bobs up and down in a shit infested ceramic bowl. It would seem there are two choices: reach in and grab it or say fuck it and buy a new one. I’m totally saying fuck it.
Except “fuck it” doesn’t describe my entire shituation . . . yep, I’m covered in shit. It’s the only way I can describe whatever the hell is speckled all over my clothes. I look at my fingers and find one that looks clean and stuff my dick back into my pants and leave the disgusting bathroom. I storm back into the bar and demand my tab be closed.
“You know, you might want to have someone clean the bathroom,” I say snarkily as I scribble my name onto the receipt for my three-dollar pint.
The bartender stares at me like I’m an idiot. “You might want to read the ‘out of order’ sign before you enter a bathroom.” Yep, I’m an idiot. Just my fucking luck.
My hand stills but I recover quickly and grab my card. I don’t bother putting in my pocket because right now it’s the only clean thing I have on me. I head outside and riffle through my truck looking for some useable clothing. I find a pair of board shorts, stiff from dried sea salt and drop the shorts and boxers I’m wearing to the ground. No sooner, do I put one foot into my other pair, do I hear sirens.
“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
As soon as I hear the car door slam, I know I’m in for it. Can my day get any worse? I’m sure it can but I don’t fucking care, and swap out my shirt as well.
“Excuse me,” the officer says.
“Hey, officer.”
He stands next to my Jeep and looks inside, probably hoping to find drugs or something, anything to explain why I just showed my bare ass to everyone passing by.
“Are you aware the state of North Carolina has a strict indecent exposure law?”
“No, but I wouldn’t doubt it. I really wasn’t exposing anyone. I had a mishap in the bathroom and needed to get out of my clothes.”
“Why not change in the bathroom?”
“Have you seen the bathroom in this place?” I point toward the door. “It’s why I’m out here changing. I probably have hepatitis or some other disease from the infestation growing inside.”
“Used the wrong bathroom, huh?”
I sigh heavily. “Why not lock the door?”
The officer chuckles. “I’m going to need your driver’s license.”
“Of course.” I bend over and pick up my shorts, flip them upside down and shake the legs until my wallet falls out. I spy it warily while it sits on the dirt ground, looking for any wet spots which might indicate someone’s fecal matter. I use the toe of my shoe to flip it onto its side and repeat my process. Still, I’m not confident it’s clean and search for a rag from the back of my car. After some maneuvering, I finally fish my license out and hand it to the officer, only he doesn’t take it.
“What’s your name?” he asks.
“Tanner Hayes.”
“Address?”
I give him my new address and tell him I moved back from California. He nods, writes everything down and leaves me there, holding my ID between my fingers through the rag. Even he doesn’t want to touch it.
When he comes back, he tells me to have a good day after reminding me not to change my clothes in public again. He also gives me a handful of disinfecting wipes, which makes me want to hug him, but I refrain. After wiping everything down, I’m finally on my way back to town. I drive right to the phone store to get my replacement, but of course, it’s closed. I don’t know how long I sit there, staring at the door, willing the manager to come out and tell me they’re open, but long enough to know I’m losing my freaking mind . . . all over a woman.
11
Sophie
The afternoon turned into night, and the night into morning. Tanner never called back which hurt my heart more than I could’ve ever imagined. Guess that’s my answer from him. I look in my rearview mirror and no amount of makeup can hide my true feelings. I haven’t talked to Ellie yet, but her car is already in the parking lot. It’s time to get to work. I’ll just drown myself in extractions, fillings, and the occasional emergency tooth ache visits.
Taking a deep breath, I let it out slow and get out of my car. My patients will start arriving soon and I have to look professional. I walk in through the back door and a couple of my hygienists say their good mornings to me. I say it in return, plastering on a big smile like I always do.