“Ana, shh,” he said, trying to soothe me. “It’s okay. We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”
He was too good, too sweet. And my chest hurt because I was ready and I did want him. God, I wanted him and it killed me that I couldn’t force my body to catch up to my brain and let it happen. The angrier I got about it, the harder it was to stop the stupid tears from slipping out, and the more and more the shame built.
Andrew rolled off me and to my side, pulling me into his chest. I took deep breaths and pressed my cheek to his chest, finding a calm in his arms. No desire, but definitely a haven. I didn’t know how long we lay there, when he finally broke the silence.
“You know, my mom loved you. Said she could see a strong woman in you.”
I wanted to laugh. I felt anything but strong. Andrew was such an amazing man, and I just couldn’t grasp why he hadn’t been snatched up yet. “Why are you still single?”
“Hmmm.” The sounds vibrated against my cheek as he thought over his response. “I’m picky. I wanted a woman I could introduce to my family and someone I could depend on.” He laughed before moving. “I’m sure this makes me a mama’s boy, but I wanted someone like my mom. Not her,” he rushed to assure me, “but I guess, someone who could complete me like she does my dad. I look up to their marriage, and it’s what I want for myself. My mom ran the household. She’s independent and made the decisions so my dad didn’t have to worry when work got overwhelming. She took care of all of us.” I let his words sink in and focused on the soft stroke of his hand up and down my back. “Eventually, I’d love to get into politics, and it’s a demanding job. I’d like to know the woman I’m with is able to be independent without me. The job will be full of big decisions and it will be nice to know I’m coming home to a place I can just turn off and love my family.”
Each word hammered home how wrong that was for me. But he was so excited, so happy. I wanted to be the woman that he could depend on and brag about.
What would Kevin get to brag about if I was his? Oh, she listens really well. When I command her to lie still and be my table, she does it. A real doormat.
I cringed and instead, saw images of Andrew with his arm around me, bragging about how well I take care of him to his friends and coworkers. Sure, my smile was a little forced in that daydream, but the shame was gone. I ignored that and let thoughts of being a good enough woman for Andrew lull me into sleep.
The next morning, we packed up to get back to campus early. We ordered room service to spend some more alone time together, and I apologized again for the previous night.
“Don’t, Ana. There’s nothing to be sorry for. I respect you and don’t want to rush anything you’re not comfortable with yet. I’m fine with taking our time.” He moved to lift a bite of eggs to his mouth, but then stopped and put his fork down, looking at me. “Are you a virgin?”
If I had been drinking, I would have spit it out all over his face. I barely held back the shocked laughter at the question. I couldn’t keep the smile from my mouth when I shook my head. “Um, no.”
He laughed, which had me laughing. “Okay. Just checking.”
With that conversation out of the way, we finished breakfast and got on the road. He made me laugh the whole way home, getting me to play road trip games that I’d never heard of. When I suggested slug bug, his soft fist-taps to my shoulder cracked me up. Not that I planned on him really slugging me, but he was too much of a gentleman to do more than a light graze. My sides hurt by the time we pulled up to my apartment, and I kind of hated to get out of the car.
Maybe Andrew didn’t spark a fire inside me, but he made me laugh and made me feel safe. He described a future I wanted to be a part of, and with the weekend away, he’d let me see another side of him. A side I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Kevin
“Come get coffee with me,” I said to Ana as she packed up her calculus book. She kept her head down and didn’t give me her usual smile and nod when I asked to hang out with her after class. I knew our argument weighed on her, but I didn’t expect her to start avoiding me, so, I pushed. “It wasn’t a question, Ana.”