He licked his lips and looked at a spot beyond my head. “You know . . . You know when I called you . . . those names. I didn’t mean them. You know I don’t think that of you. I was just caught up in the moment, not analyzing my actions. I’m so, so sorry.”
I wondered how much Kevin had been struggling with this side of himself. It pained me to see him looking so nervous and full of self-doubt as he stuttered out an unnecessary apology. Laying my hand on his chest, I felt his heart pounding too quickly. His cheeks were colored with a ruddy flush and I ached to soothe him. I knew from my own self doubt about the shame that plagued him. But in his arms, I had no shame. I wanted the same for him. I wanted him to know he had me.
“What did I say about unnecessary apologies?” He didn’t say anything, but a tight smile pursed his lips. “Should I apologize for the things I said or asked for?” That drew his attention, and I knew he was going to deny it, but I wasn’t done. “I may have asked you to take control tonight, but at any time, I knew I could’ve said no and you would’ve stopped. There’s nothing wrong with you, Kevin.”
“I’m not normal, Ana,” he whispered.
“Then neither am I.”
He stared at me, still unconvinced.
“Look at you, right now. Holding me, soothing me. This is you, Kevin. This sweet, caring man beside me, who I know would do anything for me. This is you. Just because you get off to something, doesn’t make you a monster.”
“But it’s the fact that it turns me on. What if I unleash this side of me and I start hurting women against their will and abusing them to get off?”
“Then hit me. Just slap my face and shove me around.” I called him on his insane thought.
“What?” He pulled back in shock and disgust.
“Come on. Slap me around and then fuck me. Since you’ll get so horny from it.”
“Ana . . . Stop. You know I would never hit you.”
“Then how is your complete disgust at the thought of hurting me, actually hurting me, the same as what we just did?”
“I . . . I don’t know.”
“Exactly,” I poked him in the sternum. “You, Kevin Harding, are not abusive. You have specific things that get you off. It’s no different than other guys liking big boobs or blondes. So, shut up about it.”
His chest lifted with a heavy sigh that blew across my face. “Maybe it’s just a phase,” he muttered, hope tinging his tone.
“Do you ever get off without it?” I asked, not to refute his idea of it being a phase, but because I was genuinely curious. He was the first person I’d met who I felt I could talk to about my similar desires, which had, until then, felt wrong.
“Not really,” he admitted begrudgingly. “I’ve never acted on it, but I usually think about it to get off. What about you?”
“Well, I’ve never been with anyone, but . . .” I hesitated, uncomfortable admitting I masturbated, but wanting to be honest. “But when I’m alone, it takes me a while. But I’m the same. I think about being ordered around, about letting someone control me, and it helps.” Despite my effort to help calm him, my heart raced in my chest. I put on my bravest face as I opened up about my darkest secrets, even though I was still scared of being judged. I was afraid I’d slip and say something that would be too much. But looking at Kevin’s face and seeing his soft eyes taking me in as I confessed my most private thoughts, I knew there was nothing I could’ve said to push him away.
We lay in each other’s arms in silence, each lost in our thoughts for a while longer. We didn’t have sex again, both of us too exhausted from both the physical and mental release to even try. It was an odd feeling. For me, it was almost like being in a state of shock as I lay there, trying to process what had happened between us.
Eventually, as the numbers on the clock ticked by, we got up and got dressed before his parents returned home. Kevin asked me to stay, but I thought we both needed time alone to think. I knew I did. So, he walked me to the front door and dropped a quick kiss on my cheek.
“Ana—” He took a deep breath. “Are we okay?”
His question made my chest feel tight. “What do you mean?” I hadn’t considered that we wouldn’t be okay. Everything had felt so wonderful and easy, but I guess stepping through his door would leave that behind and we’d have to figure out where it left us on the other side.