The longing in his voice tugged at her, but she would not go to him. Too many times this argument ended with her giving in. Not this time. “I know.”
“I love you.”
“I know that, too.” That was what made this so hard. He wasn’t a jerk. He wasn’t afraid to tell her what he felt. Maybe it would be easier not to know because being this close and not being able to push their relationship across the finish line destroyed her. “I love you, too.”
“My life...” He closed his eyes right as a cloud of pain crossed his face. He dropped onto the couch with his elbows balanced on his knees. “I live with danger. Hell, I need danger.”
“You protect people.”
“You can phrase it however you want, but the bottom line is I thrive on the adrenaline. I’m not a sit-on-the-couch-for-days guy.” He stared at the ceiling. “You know this.”
“I know your past doesn’t matter to me and your personality doesn’t scare me.” Not even a little.
She saw the man he was, all they could be together. If anything, knowing he survived such hardships, overcame so much, to become so decent and loving made him even more special.
His head dropped and went into his palms, but he stayed silent. Debating how to give comfort without getting sucked in, she slid in next to him and lowered his hand. A few seconds ticked by before he looked over at her.
“I know you’re not your father.” She brushed her lips over his hair. “You are nothing like him.”
Joel trapped her hand between both of hers. “Yet.”
“Ever.”
He slipped his fingers through hers and held on tight. “I get antsy. Staying still makes me jumpy.”
“Do you want to date other women?” She had to swallow several times to keep the ball of anxiety from racing up her throat.
“What?” He made a face as if he’d tasted something truly awful. “No, of course not. This isn’t and has never been about needing other women. I only need you.”
The wonderful things he said made the inevitable end so much more staggering. “Then explain it to me.”
“It’s like this wild thing inside me. I went to DIA, a job I thought I’d love, and got restless. I worked for your dad and left.”
The lump in her throat refused to move. “You left me.”
He lifted her hand and kissed the back. “I’ve hated every second without you.”
The conversation kept spinning and she had no idea how to make it land. She went with the question that circled in her head. “Do you plan to leave Corcoran?”
“No.” Fast and sure, he didn’t even hesitate.
That wasn’t a surprise to her. Watching his easy manner with Cam and Davis, seeing how Connor led, it all convinced her Joel had found a home with the team. He’d found friends. Even if he denied it, he’d found normal.
He might talk about being a loner or an outcast, but they accepted him and he didn’t show any signs of bolting. Whatever it was that made him twitchy when he thought about a forever relationship with her was silenced when it came to work. A certain calm washed over him.
She was happy for him to have found a home of sorts, but jealous it wasn’t with her. “Do you want to end this—whatever it is—with me so you can find something else? Maybe something better?”
“There’s nothing better.” He shifted, getting even closer to her. “You have to believe that.”
She wanted to. “Oh, Joel.”
“It’s not a line.”
“I know.” She trailed the back of her fingers over his cheek. “That’s the point. You are with the one woman who understands you.”
“It’s not that easy.”
She tried one last time to make him understand how evenly matched they were, despite their very different backgrounds. “I love having a home base but crave the outdoors. Life isn’t about comforts for me. It’s about nature and hiking.”
“And climbing.”
If she wanted him to face a demon, she needed to stare one down, too. “Yes, that.”
“Will you try it again?”
Right now she’d say anything to get through to him, but she didn’t want to lie. The deaths on the mountain that day had stayed with her. The ones at the campground probably would too. So much responsibility and so much failure.
With him she could get through it. He just had to jump first. “Will you stay with me?”
“Your need to be outside and the anxiety that gnaws at me are not the same thing. Your love is healthy. Mine grew out of a strange sickness handed down from my father.”
“But you’re a grown-up now.”