“What you mean is, do I look like him?” That came out harsh enough to have her drawing back, her expression hurt. He held on to her hand so she couldn’t scramble off the bed. “Yes. He was a big, ugly son of a bitch, just like me.”
Her face softened. “You’re the sexiest man I’ve ever met, and I can’t possibly be the first woman to tell you that.”
He smiled, although inside he was a mass of all those emotions he didn’t understand. “Maybe.”
“He must have appealed to your mother.”
Noah heard himself make a sound that had Cait’s gaze sharpening.
Your ex must’ve been an even uglier son of a bitch than he looks in pictures, if the kid is anything to go by.
Why had he let himself be haunted by something so meaningless?
“I heard my mother and stepfather talking about it once. He said I must have taken after my father, as ugly as I was.”
“What?” Cait’s outrage warmed him.
“My mother admitted it bothered her, how much I looked like my dad. She said—” God, he’d never told anyone this, but still he stumbled on. “That there wasn’t a single good thing I could have inherited from Dad.”
Pure fury blazed in Cait’s eyes. “That’s horrible! How could she?”
Her anger relaxed something in him. “She had reason to be bitter.”
“So what?” Her chin had never looked so square or pugnacious. He especially loved the effect when she was naked. “She wouldn’t have loved him if he hadn’t had good qualities. Addiction is…it’s a disease! What if he’d had cancer and gotten weak and whiny?”
“Addiction involves choices,” Noah felt obligated to point out, however much he appreciated her fiery defense.
“Sure. So do diabetes and lung cancer for a smoker and a lot of other diseases.”
He started to laugh. “You’re right. No, don’t punch me.” He grabbed her fist. “Settle down.”
Cait made a disgusted sound but subsided. “She’s your mother. I should keep my mouth shut.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.” That came out hoarse. Shit, he thought. She was punching holes in every defense he had. Suddenly, he felt naked, and not because he was sprawled in bed not wearing any clothes.
She stroked his chest, her hand slender and fine-boned. “You must have loved him.”
“I guess I did,” Noah said slowly. “At least—” No, he refused to sound pathetic.
But Cait only waited. He looked for pity on her face and saw compassion.
Oh, hell. “I wanted to believe he was worth loving. That he loved me. My mother was decent to me, don’t get me wrong, but I was never sure she loved me. I think she was telling Dennis the truth. It did bother her that I took more after Dad than her.”
“I can’t imagine.” Her eyes showed disbelief.
“What if you’d had a kid with Ralston? Now you know what a crazy he is. What if the kid looked just like him? Wouldn’t you find yourself wondering?”
“You’re justifying her behavior?”
“Understanding.”
She made another of those disdainful sounds. “Kids take after both their parents. Looks are the least important part of what they get from us. Not only would my child be mine, but I’d make sure he knew how many great qualities he got from his father.”
“Yeah.” He touched her lips, feeling them quiver beneath the pads of his fingers. “That’s what I’d do, too. If…” He had to clear his throat. “If I ever have kids.”
She gave a laugh that sounded more sad than funny. “I don’t know what makes me think I’m qualified to carry on like this. Mom…well, she did love me. Does,” she corrected herself. “But I never forgot that she left Colin behind and just, I don’t know, pretended he didn’t exist after that. That couldn’t help but make me wonder how much I could depend on her love. You know? And Dad…” Her shoulders moved. “I don’t have much in the way of good memories of him. Maybe if you don’t learn from your own parents, there’s no hope.”
Why that should piss him off when he’d made the same argument in relation to himself, Noah couldn’t have said. All he knew was that it did.