She watched him, wanting to remember every moment of this night. If she didn’t have a tomorrow with him at least she would have this memory. Expectation coiled deep inside her as they moved together, skin to skin, hands stroking, mouths tasting. Her breath came fast and short when he moved over her and when he pushed himself home, Jillian gasped, arching her back, moving with him in a silent dance of desire.
Outside, the sun died and the darkness crept into the room, enfolding them in a deep, shadow-filled quiet. They moved as one, each of them pushing the other toward the edge and as she climbed, Jillian held on to him, arms around his neck, legs around his hips. When her body splintered into thousands of jagged shards, she had Jesse to anchor her. She held him as she trembled, then held him tighter as he joined her.
* * *
A few minutes later, Jesse lay on his back and held her to his side. “I missed you.”
He didn’t sound happy about admitting it, either. Still, she tipped her head back to look at him. “I wondered where you were.”
“I meant to call…”
“No,” she said, watching his eyes, “you didn’t.”
Now he stared down at her, frowning. “I didn’t?”
“No.” She trailed her fingers across his chest, feeling the solid thump of his heart. “You didn’t want to miss me, Jesse. Didn’t want to call me. You were trying to let me know that what we had that night was all there was going to be.”
His frown deepened. “And how did I feel about you staying here tonight?”
He was irritated, and she couldn’t have said why she found that a little entertaining, even under these circumstances. “You wanted me in your bed, but you don’t want me getting comfortable.”
“Well, I sound like a real dick, don’t I?”
Surprising herself, Jillian laughed a little. “No, you don’t. You just don’t want to love me.”
He eased up onto his elbow and looked down at her. Jillian touched his cheek, then let her hand fall back. “I know how you feel. I didn’t want to love you, either. But I do.”
He froze. It was the only word she could think of to describe what happened to him the minute the L word was mentioned. It was as if he wasn’t even breathing. His eyes flashed and those golden flecks shone in the dimness like spotlights.
“No, you don’t.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I’m feeling,” Jillian said.
“Why the hell not?” he demanded. “You just told me what I was thinking and feeling.”
“Yes,” she said sadly, “but I was right and you’re wrong. I do love you.”
“Stop saying that.”
“Silence won’t change anything. Even if I never say it again, you’ll always know I feel it.” She’d known it would go this way and still Jillian had had to tell him. Love, when it finally arrived, just shouldn’t be ignored or dismissed.
“I don’t want you to,” he said, sitting up and dragging her up with him. “There’s no future for us here, Jillian.”
“I didn’t ask for a future, Jesse,” she reminded him. “I haven’t asked you for anything. What I’m feeling—”
“Don’t—”
“It’s a gift.” She shrugged and smiled in spite of everything. “I was afraid to love, too. Every man I’ve ever known has walked away from me.”
“Jill…”
“I told you my grandmother raised me,” she said and took one of his hands in hers. She rubbed her fingers across his palm, feeling the calluses and scars he’d earned through a lifetime of hard work. Jesse wasn’t a quitter. Jesse gave his word and kept it. Jesse was the kind of man you could count on.
She wished he was hers. Looking up into his eyes she said, “My parents decided they didn’t much like having a child, so they left.”
“Jillian—”
“First my dad. I was really young and two years later, my mom left, too. Grandma Rhonda was my rock then.”
“I’m sorry…”
“I don’t need you to be sorry. I just want you to understand. I was engaged once, but he left, too. And then I met Rich, pretending to be Will, and I was so hungry to feel something, to love someone, I let him sweep me off my feet in spite of the fact I should have known better. Then he left, too.”
He gritted his teeth and swallowed hard, but he didn’t interrupt her again.
“So when I met you, I told myself that you would be just like every other man in the world.” She smiled sadly. “But you weren’t. You aren’t. And Mac saw it in you before I did.” Laughing a little, she said, “Mac loved you first. But I couldn’t. I didn’t trust myself. Or you. But Jesse…”