Jake went absolutely still. She felt her words hit him like stones because she saw pain in his eyes before he drew that so familiar shutter over what he was feeling.
“I won’t let you go.”
“Jake, you can’t stop me.” She touched his face because she could, her fingers tracing the stubble on his jaw. “I want what you can’t give me. I love you, Jake.”
He closed his eyes as if that would shut down his hearing as well, and the pain of his reaction wound through her like barbed wire, tearing at her insides.
“I love you, but you won’t love me,” she said softly, willing those lake-blue eyes to open again. When they did, she said quietly, “So I can’t stay.”
“You love me,” he said, gaze pinning hers. “But you’ll still leave.”
“One-sided love isn’t going to work.” God, did her voice sound as shaky as she felt? Could he hear her heart breaking?
He didn’t see the truth. She wondered why, because it was all suddenly so clear to her.
“This, what we have? It’s not enough, Jake. Not for me. Not for Luke. Heck, not even for you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” he said, arms tightening around her as if he could keep her there by sheer force of will. “I’ll make it enough.”
Ten
It would never be enough. Not with Cassie. Jake knew it. He just couldn’t make himself admit it. Not to himself. Not to her.
Knowing she loved him gave him a sense of rightness he hadn’t known in way too long. Knowing she was going to leave left him staring at a pool of darkness so complete he thought he would drown in it.
He knew what she wanted. What she needed. But he couldn’t bring himself to comply. Doing that would lay everything on the line. Risk the life he’d built for himself. The peace he’d finally found.
Though if he were to be honest, he’d have to acknowledge that the so-called “peace” hadn’t been the same since Cassie walked into his life.
He forked some hay into a stall, then moved along the line and did the same for the rest of the horses. It had always soothed him, these ordinary tasks. Usually, he let his mind wander while he did what needed doing as quickly as possible. Now though, he was taking his time because he was in no hurry to go back to the main house.
Yeah, he wanted to see Cassie. Hold her. Kiss her. But he didn’t want to see the questions in her eyes. Didn’t want to give her the chance to tell him again that she was leaving.
It had been three days since he’d watched her eyes as she told him she wouldn’t stay. Three days and three nights and every one of those nights, they’d been together. Him, trying to show her what they could have if she’d back down; her, saying goodbye every time she touched him. He felt her pulling back, distancing herself from him in exactly the same way he had distanced himself from her since the beginning.
And it was damned hard to take.
Leaning on the handle of the pitchfork, he shot a quick look down the center aisle toward the open stable doors. The wind had eased off and it hadn’t really snowed since yesterday. A couple more days like today and the roads would be clear and he’d have a hell of a time keeping her here. Where she and Luke belonged. He couldn’t lose them. Either of them.
“Where’s another damn blizzard when you need one?”
“Talking to yourself is never a good sign, son.”
Jake turned to watch his grandfather approach. The older man was bundled up in his heavy coat, with his hat pulled down tight.
“At least when I talk to myself,” Jake told him, forking more hay out for the horses, “I know I won’t get a fight for my troubles.”
“Won’t you?” Ben snickered. “Isn’t that what you’re doing out here? Having a fight with yourself?”
Jake shot the older man a scowl that would have sent any of his employees running for cover. “Why do you have to be so perceptive?”
“The gift of age,” Ben told him, leaning one arm on the top rail of a stall door. “Some things get harder, but you see everything around you a lot more clearly.”
“Is that right?” Jake didn’t want to have this conversation. All he wanted was some time to think. To plan. To find a way through the maze that lay stretched out in front of him.
“Like I can see plain as day that you’re in love with Cassie.”