The last vestiges of anger that had filled and driven him these past weeks faded away. Of course he could. They both needed to work on this. And now there was another life to consider, as well. How on earth had he even imagined that he could cut that child from his life? Not be there to see him or her be born and grow and learn and develop. It hurt to even think about it, and instinctively he began to shut down that part of him that felt that pain. But then he stopped. Pain was okay. Feeling was okay.
He closed his eyes and turned away from the window. Was he man enough, strong enough, to do this? To take a leap of faith and let love rule him and his decisions rather than depending on distance and control? He had some big decisions to make, and he had to be certain he was making the right ones. More importantly, he had to be making them for the right reasons.
Eighteen
It was Christmas Eve. Just under a week since Olivia had last seen or heard from Xander. She’d decided to make some effort with the decorations that morning and had gone up to the attic to find them. But the decorations had been forgotten when she’d stumbled across Parker’s things that Xander had left scattered on the attic floor. She’d tucked away the clothes and toys, then picked up the albums. She was about to put them back in the box and seal it up again, but she changed her mind and took them downstairs instead.
Putting them back on the bookcase in the living room felt right. So did putting the framed photos of Parker back where they belonged. She got the toys out of the attic and loaded them into a carton in the room that had been Parker’s. The room that would now become this baby’s. After she’d done all that, she realized that the house felt different. Lighter somehow. Right. All of these things had been missing and, with them, a giant piece of her heart and soul.
She would never stop missing her firstborn, but at least now she could remember him with less of the sorrow that she’d been trying to hide from these past two years. And she could begin to forgive herself for her choices that day, too.
It was time for a new beginning. If only that beginning could be with Xander by her side. She’d lost count of the times she’d checked the answering machine at the house or the display on her cell phone to see if he’d called. It was time to face the awful truth. There would be no future together.
The dissolution order and Xander’s offer of financial maintenance for the baby sat on the kitchen table in front of her. She had a pen clutched in her hand.
“Just sign the damn things and get it over with,” she said out loud. Her hand fluttered to her belly. “We’ll manage, you and me.”
Before she could put pen to paper, the front doorbell rang. With a sigh of exasperation, she dropped the pen to the table and got up to see who it was. She felt a physical shock of awareness when she saw Xander standing there with one arm leaning up on the doorjamb, wearing his old uni sweatshirt and a disreputable pair of Levi’s. Her heart picked up double time as her eyes raked his face, taking in the gleam in his slate-gray eyes and the stubble growing back stubbornly on his chin.
“Are you here about the papers?” she said, rubbing her hands down the legs of her jeans.
“Not exactly,” Xander replied. “I have something for you, for Christmas. For you and the baby, actually.”
Olivia felt confused. “For...?”
“Come and see.”
Xander spun on a sneaker-clad foot and went down the path to the front gate. Beyond him, Olivia could see a family-friendly SUV. Clearly he’d been cleared to drive again, but she knew he’d never be seen dead in something like this. She was the one who’d always had the practical station wagon while he’d had the sporty little two-door foreign import. Maybe he’d borrowed the vehicle from someone else? Maybe his present was bigger than would fit in his car?
“Are you coming?” he called from the gate.
“Sure,” she said, slipping through the doorway and down the stairs to the path. “Is this yours?” she asked, gesturing to the SUV when she got nearer.
“Yeah, I decided it was time to leave the racing cars to the experts and grow up a little. Grow up a lot, actually.”
The back of the SUV was open. Through the tinted glass on the side Olivia could see an animal crate. She came to a halt behind the car and gasped when she saw the beagle puppy inside. Xander opened the crate and lifted the puppy out, depositing it squirming in Olivia’s arms.
“Merry Christmas, Livvy.”
The puppy lifted her head and enthusiastically licked Olivia on the chin, making her laugh out loud.