* * *
Xander watched her car turn out the drive and the automatic gates swing shut behind it. The gate. There was something about the gate, some memory attached to it that was just out of reach. A sharp stab of pain made its presence felt behind his eye, and he closed his eyes and shook his head slightly to rid himself of the pain.
Take your pills. It was as if Olivia’s voice were stuck in his head, he thought with a smile as he headed back into the house. Well, he’d promised her he’d look after himself. And, he had to admit, he had no desire for a repeat of the headache that had struck him yesterday. Inside, he found the painkillers and took the required dose, then retired to the hammock for a while until the nagging pain eased off. It didn’t take long.
While he rested, he thought about what he should do to fill the hours until Olivia returned. The Christmas tree! Of course. He knew she’d mentioned putting it up together, but he also knew she’d love the surprise of seeing it decorated and lit in the large front bay window to welcome her home.
They’d always stored the tree in the attic, and, since she’d said she hadn’t even put it up the past couple of years, he shouldn’t have too much trouble finding it. Motivated by the idea of her pleasure in seeing the tree finished, he went inside and upstairs. The stairs to the attic were as narrow as he remembered them, and he fought back an odd sense of light-headedness as he placed his foot on the first tread.
At the top of the stairs, he pushed open the door into the attic, taking a bit of time to allow his eyes to adjust to the gloom. Light streamed in from the small diamond-paned windows at each end of the attic and dust motes danced on the beams. Xander sneezed and cursed under his breath.
Moving farther into the attic, he got his bearings and looked around at the boxes and shrouded pieces of furniture they’d stored there. He shifted a few cartons in an attempt to get to where he last remembered seeing the tree and decorations. If Olivia had told the truth, they’d be exactly where he himself had put them.
He straightened for a moment. If Olivia had told the truth? Why would he think she’d lie about something like this? Why would she lie to him about anything? Maybe because she lied to you about your separation, a voice echoed in the back of his head. He pushed the thought down. She’d explained why she’d withheld that piece of information. Sure, he didn’t agree with her choice, but if they were to move forward, he had to be willing to get past it. She’d accepted some of the blame for what had gone wrong between them. Considering what he knew of himself along with what she had told him, he could see how easily they could have drifted apart.
Born the youngest of two boys, he’d pretty much always been treated as an only child after his older brother died in a drowning accident when Xander was only about three years old. Looking back, he could see how his parents had each coped in their own ways. His mother by becoming a distant workaholic and his father, sadly, by retreating into himself and becoming unable to work at all.
Xander still remembered coming home from school and letting himself into their home, knowing his mother would still be at work and wondering if that particular day would be one where his father would be happy to come outside and kick a football with him or whether Xander would end up sitting on the floor outside his parents’ bedroom, listening to his father sob quietly as he remained locked in grief for the son he’d never see grow up.
There was probably more of his mother’s influence in him than his father’s, Xander acknowledged. If nothing else, he’d always fought hard to live by his mother’s example. Never letting life get him down, dealing with his grief privately and always striving hard for the future.
While he’d never seen his father as weak, because even as a child he’d understood what his father was going through had little to do with strength or weakness, he hadn’t wanted to feel as overwhelmingly as his father had either. As a result, he’d always controlled his emotions strictly, keeping them on a tight rein. Xander hadn’t dared to experience extreme highs or extreme lows in his personal life; he had, instead, poured himself into work and achievement. Now he wondered if that driven part of him had also been a part of what had put a wedge between him and Olivia? He couldn’t remember, no matter how hard he tried.
What he did know was that he was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt and to give their marriage another chance. Perhaps the accident and his amnesia were a good thing after all. He knew he could be stubborn and move on if he thought something wasn’t working. Rather than work on their marriage, he would have rejected any overtures she’d made to work things out.