“Xander?”
“Don’t worry—he’s sleeping again. One of the nurses will be by soon to do observations. He’ll probably wake again then. Now, if you’ll excuse me...?”
“Oh, yes, sure. Thank you.”
She barely noticed the doctor leave, or one of the other patients shuffling into the room with his walker and a physical therapist hovering beside him. No, her concentration was fixed solely on the man in the bed in front of her and on the steady, even breaths that raised his chest and lowered it again.
Her thoughts scattered to and fro, finally settling on the realization that Xander could have died in the accident that had stolen his memory and she might never have known about it. That she might never have had another opportunity to beg him for one more chance. It opened a whole new cavern of hurt inside her until she slammed it closed. He hadn’t died, she reminded herself. He’d lived. And he’d forgotten that he’d ever ended things between them.
Xander’s fingers were still locked around hers. As if she was his anchor. As if he truly wanted her to be there with him. She leaned forward and gently lifted his hand up against her cheek. He was warm, alive. Hers? She hoped so. In fact she wanted him as deeply and as strongly right now as she had ever wanted him. A tiny kernel of hope germinated deep inside Olivia’s mind. Could his loss of memory allow them that second chance he’d so adamantly refused?
Right here, right now, she knew that she’d do anything to have him back.
Anything.
Including pretending the problems in their past had never happened? she asked herself. The resounding answer should have shocked her, but it didn’t.
Yes. She’d do even that.
Two
Olivia let herself in the house and closed the door, leaning back against it with a sigh as she tried to release the tension that now gripped her body. It didn’t make a difference. Her shoulders were still tight and felt as if they were sitting up around her ears, and the nagging headache that had begun on the drive home from the hospital grew even more persistent.
What on earth had she done?
Was it lying to allow Xander to continue to believe they were still happily married? How could it be a lie when it was what he believed and when it was what she’d never stopped wanting?
You couldn’t turn back the clock. You couldn’t undo what was done five minutes ago any more than you could undo what happened in the past two years. But you could make a fresh start, and that’s what they were going to do, she argued with herself.
It might not be completely ethical to take advantage of his amnesia this way, and she knew that she was running a risk—a huge risk—by doing so. At any moment his memory could return and, with it, Xander’s refusal to talk through their problems or lean on her for help of any kind. Yet if there was a chance, any chance that they could be happy again, she had to take it.
She pushed off the door and walked down the hall toward the large entertainer’s kitchen they’d had so much fun renovating after they’d moved into the two-story late nineteenth-century home a week after their marriage. She automatically went through the motions, putting the kettle on and boiling water for a pot of chamomile tea. Hopefully that would soothe the headache.
But what would soothe the niggling guilt that plucked at her heart over her decision?
Was she just doing this to resolve her own regrets? Wrapped in her grief over Parker’s death and filled with recriminations and remorse, hadn’t she found it easier to let Xander go rather than fight for their marriage—hell, fight for him? She’d accused him of locking her out of his feelings, but hadn’t she done exactly the same thing? And when he’d left, hadn’t she let him go? Then, when she’d opened her eyes to what she was letting slip from her life, it was too late. He hadn’t wanted to even discuss reconciliation or counseling. It was as if he’d wiped his slate clean—and wiped his life with her right along with it.
It had hurt then and it hurt now, but time and distance had given her some perspective. Had opened her eyes to her own contribution to the demise of their marriage. Mistakes she wouldn’t make again.
The kettle began to whistle, momentarily distracting her from her thoughts. Olivia poured the boiling water into the teapot and took her favorite china cup and saucer from the glass-fronted cupboard where she displayed her antique china collection. After putting the tea things on a tray, she carried everything outside. She set the tray down on a table on her paved patio and sank into one of the wood-and-canvas deck chairs. The fabric creaked a little as she shifted into a more comfortable position.