But he’d failed. He’d failed her then, and he’d failed her later by insisting on going to see her before she was ready to see him again. By forcing her to face him, he’d forced her to face her own failures as a parent, and that had been enough to make her withdraw from reality completely. She refused to eat, refused to leave her bed—eventually dying in her sleep. Lost in her anguish. Alone.
He’d been responsible for his mother choosing death over life and, all guilt over keeping Tamsyn from seeing her mother aside, he’d be damned if he visited that responsibility onto Tamsyn as well.
Nineteen
Riding the rutted track on the quad bike, with Tamsyn’s arms reluctantly secured around his waist, was bittersweet. With every bump in the road he felt her press against him—the softness of her breasts, the involuntary thrust of her hips. She’d started the journey determinedly holding on to the back of the seat, but as the track had grown rougher she’d been forced to relinquish her hold and cling to him like a limpet.
He released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding when they reached the flat and she didn’t let go. The going was easier but still she held on, her slender arms like a band around his waist. He allowed himself to enjoy it while he could, certain it wouldn’t last long.
She’d barely said a word to him since he’d returned to the house after their jaunt into town. She was still mad about the cottage, he knew. Mad about the secrets he was still keeping, mad about the whole situation. He didn’t blame her, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing but to try and distract her in the meantime.
Fire lit his groin at the thought of various sensual ways he could distract her but he fought himself back under control. For now he needed to earn her trust back. He’d wounded her, he knew that, and it hurt with an almost physical pain to admit it.
He opened the throttle some more and swiftly covered the remaining few hundred meters to the lake’s edge where he’d optimistically begun to peg out the buildings a couple of weeks ago. The sooner they dismounted the quad bike the sooner he’d be able to rid himself of the sensation of her fastened against him, and of how right it felt.
“This is a beautiful spot,” Tamsyn commented as she got off the bike and walked over to the lake’s edge. “You didn’t want to build down here for yourself?”
“My parents’ house used to be over there.” He pointed to a stand of trees where a crumbling chimney and fireplace were all that remained of his former home. “A wiring failure one night led to it burning down after I went into foster care. I always said I’d rebuild there, but as I grew older I began to appreciate that it was probably better to make a new start. Besides, I love the outlook from my home now.”
“King of the castle and master of all you survey?” Tamsyn said dryly.
“Hardly,” he answered with a small frown.
Was that how she saw him? Autocratic and wanting to control everything?
“I think it’s the freedom of the space that appealed to me most up there. The sensation of not being boxed in. Plus, it was symbolic of a new start for me after I sold my business. Fresh horizons and all that.”
She nodded and started to walk along the waterline, her hands shoved in her pockets. He followed her a few steps behind.
“I thought this trip to New Zealand would be a new horizon for me,” she said softly.
He could feel the pain in her voice.
“You know, I think I would have been better off not knowing that my mother is still alive. Alive and, from the looks of things, not wanting to see me.” She huffed a humorless laugh. “Not wanting me, period.”
Finn reached out and grabbed her arm, spinning her around to face him. He had to tell her something, give her something she could hold on to.
“Your mother has loved you all your life. I’ve known her for much of mine and she never stopped thinking about you or your brother. Never. Believe me or not, but it’s true.”
He pushed as much honesty into his words as he could. She had to believe him. He knew he’d failed when he saw Tamsyn’s expression cloud over, saw anger make her eyes turn hard.
“Well, if she has, she sure has a funny way of showing it. I’ve been here, searching for her, for weeks with not a word from anyone to tell me where to find her. They kicked me out of their house. There’s no way they’re ever going to want to see me, is there?”
He couldn’t lie. “That’s something you might just have to come to terms with, Tamsyn. As hard as it is, as awful as it is, it’s out of both our hands.”