“Yes,” I whispered. “I am thinking about you—every minute.”
His eyes immediately softened. “Sometimes, I think I can give it up. Then other times, I think I can’t…”
I wanted him to walk away from Ruin and start over with me. I wanted him to forsake the other half of his soul, the dark shadow that belonged in the night. I wanted him to step into the light with me, so we could spend our lives together as two people who loved each other. But I didn’t want to make him do it. He needed to make the decision on his own.
“I can’t give you up. But I can’t give this up either.”
Every time he came to a crossroads, he always chose the life he already knew. He wanted to pick me, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“Sometimes, I think I can…but I’m afraid if I turn my back on who I really am, it’ll just be worse in the end.” He clenched his jaw like he was thinking of a memory from his past, something that angered him.
I was at the same crossroads. I wanted to move on and find a man I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone sweet and compassionate, who would be a great father and husband. But did that really matter when I loved Calloway? When I would always love him?
I loved every aspect about him, even his darker shades. I loved his intensity, his temper. I loved the way he made me feel like a woman when we were in bed together. I loved his fierce need to protect me even though I swore I didn’t need it. I loved the way he made me feel small when his thick arm was around my waist. Light and dark, I loved both sides.
Calloway watched me, knowing my mind was working furiously. “Do you still love me?”
My eyes shifted at the question, surprised he even needed to ask. “Always.”
His eyes softened again, this time with both pain and longing. “I want to give up everything for you… I just don’t think I can.”
“I know…”
He leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table. “Meet me in the middle, Rome. Give me a chance. Let me be your Dom. I get what I want, you get what you want.”
“I guess you’ve forgotten why I’m living with you…”
He closed his eyes like he was insulted, taking a deep breath before he opened them again. “Hank is a psychopath and a criminal. I don’t assault, stalk, and rape women. Maybe it’s hard to understand because you’ve never tried it, but it’s completely different. It’s beautiful, powerful…you’ll enjoy it.”
“I don’t know, Calloway…”
“I can give you what you need. I can make love to you every night. I can take you out to dinner, hold you, whatever you want. And we can do what I want at different times. I think that’s more than fair.”
There was nothing I wanted more than to have Calloway again. My blood screamed for him. “Calloway, there’s nothing I want more…but I just can’t handle it. Hank just assaulted me less than a week ago. I couldn’t let you tie me up and punish me. I just can’t handle that…”
“I wouldn’t tie you up unless you asked me to. We never have to do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t think you understand, Rome.”
“No, I do understand,” I whispered. “You said a Dom/sub relationship is about trust, right?”
He nodded.
“I don’t trust you—or anyone—enough to have that kind of relationship. It’s nothing personal, Calloway.”
“But it is personal,” he whispered. “I would never hurt you.”
“But you get off on hurting women. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“But the women enjoy the hurt—because it feels good—”
“No.” The more we talked about it, the more convinced I was that I couldn’t handle it. After being prey to so many different men in so many different circumstances, I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted a normal relationship where I felt equally powerful. I couldn’t give Calloway all the control because I needed some of it to feel safe. There was no way around it. “I’m sorry…”
He bowed his head in disappointment. “It’s okay… I understand.”
I couldn’t sit at the dinner table with him any longer. Looking at him hurt too much. I wanted to crawl into his lap and wrap my arms around his neck, feeling safe against his powerful body. But I couldn’t do that. Instead, I left my dinner untouched, determined to eat it later, and left the kitchen—returning to the solitude of my room.
I felt perfectly safe in his house, knowing Hank wouldn’t be able to get to me even if he knew I was there, but I still couldn’t sleep. After sharing Calloway’s bed last night, I knew I would never get a good night’s rest across the hall from him. There was something about his body heat, his rhythmic breathing, and his smell that lulled me to sleep like a lullaby. After the difficult conversation we’d had earlier, I shouldn’t get close to him.