Standing, I pace a small circle around the office. “Do you ever feel like there’s more for you out there? Like you love what you do and you find satisfaction in it, but like there’s something else you could be doing that’s important and you just can’t quite get there?”
“Go on . . .”
“I thought the promotion I didn’t get was that, and now I feel like I have no freaking clue what I’m supposed to really be doing.”
She watches but doesn’t respond.
“I love what I do,” I insist. “I’ve done it for years, and the longer I do it, the months just add up and I expect to feel more validation, maybe, from it and it’s just not coming. Not like I thought.”
“You don’t feel fulfilled. That’s what you’re saying.”
“Maybe I don’t. I don’t know how to describe it.” I shrug. “But when things went to hell, for the first time, I didn’t overthink it. I came home.”
She walks around the desk and places a hand on my shoulder. “And we’re glad you did. But can I give you some advice?”
“Please?”
“There are some things in life you can’t find outside yourself. What you’re looking for is one of them.” She drops her hand. “My mother-in-law taught me that after I had my second child. I kept thinking this perfect little baby was supposed to complete me, you know? That’s what movies and books tell you. I had the house, the husband, the two cutest little girls, and yet I wanted something else. What I wanted, I found out, was to find me in the midst of all the things that make up me.”
I nod, mulling that over.
“I am my family. My house. This gym,” she says. “But I’m more than that, and it’s easy to forget who you are and what you want and need and love when you’re driven like we are. We want accolades. Trophies. Championships. Proof in tangible ways. That means we’re worthy. But it’s important, Neely, to reevaluate sometimes and be okay with wanting things you don’t get a trophy for.”
“I do need that,” I admit. “I don’t know why. There’s probably a lot of therapy sitting right there.”
She smiles. “Some people need parental approval. There are people who need a certain number in their bank accounts. Some get the same thing out of shoes. You and I do it with trophies.”
I mull this over but am pulled back to the present by her gaze. “What?”
“I just want to add that sometimes what we want in life changes, Neely. And that’s okay too.”
“Oh, I still want what I want. That hasn’t changed. I just want more, I guess. I just don’t know how to define that.”
Voices trickle through the open door as the evening round of classes begins to arrive. I glance over my shoulder to see a group of little girls huddled in a semicircle.
“You know some of their parents,” Aerial tells me. “Competed with and against a lot of them. There’s some talent out there.”
Twisting around in my seat, I take in Aerial’s narrowed eyes. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I have a favor to ask.”
“Sure. Shoot.”
“Is there any way you can come by tomorrow afternoon and help out? Jessica has a family obligation I just remembered, and I’m going to be shorthanded.”
“Sure,” I say, my brain still reconciling her speech. “It’s not like I have anything else to do.”
She stands as a voice calls her name from the gym floor.
“I can help out tonight too,” I offer, getting to my feet.
“Not what I heard,” she teases.
“What are you talking about? I don’t have plans. And Mom splurged on margaritas last night, so she won’t drink again for a year.”
“I went into Dogwood Café this morning for an English muffin, and Claire told me you were going out with her tonight.”
My eyes almost fall out of my head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I think it might be a good idea.” Aerial’s arms cross over her chest, and she flips me a look only a well-seasoned coach can deliver. “When was the last time you did something really memorable? Just for you?”
I give her the look of a defiant student. “Three months ago. Rob Thomas, live. It was amazing.”
Her arms fall to her sides. “If you’re counting fun in months, you have a bigger problem than I realized.”
“I may or may not have problems, but fun isn’t one of them.” When she tilts her head my way, I roll my eyes. “I have plenty of fun. Look at me, coming home on a whim. I’m spontaneous.”
“You might’ve forgotten, but you have people here who love you, Neely. People who would love to see you. Claire is only the tip of the iceberg.”
“That’s not true. They don’t even know who I am anymore. It would be rehashing memories that don’t matter.”