Had never entertained it.
“I’m terrified of it,” I admitted. “That I’m always going to be haunted by her ghost. That I might fail again. But I don’t think I can stop this, either.”
Silence fell over us for a beat, my eyes watching Evan as he played. He caught me staring, waved over his head.
This kid.
This kid.
I gulped around the thick emotion that swelled in my throat. “He has a bad heart.”
Rex’s attention whipped my direction. “Fuck, man.”
Yeah.
Fuck me.
25
Hope
I held the tiny baby in my arms.
It spun my heart into intricate knots.
Because I could almost remember Evan this way.
The way he’d felt when I’d held him.
Tiny and soft.
But he had been so fragile.
Broken.
While I did my best to breathe belief.
To fill his little soul with it so he’d know he was loved. Cherished and adored. Even though he spent months in and out of the hospital attached to wires and monitors. Even though he’d endured so much pain.
He was loved.
In my periphery, I could see Rynna’s smile. “You should see your face right now.”
Confused, I looked up at her, blinking.
“With that baby,” she sang as if I was ridiculous. It was a soft tease. A gentle coaxing. “Seems you need another one of your own in your arms.”
The reality of life squeezed down on that faith. On that hope. I forced a smile that I knew wobbled, my voice more hoarse than I meant for it to be. “No. No more babies for me.”
The deepest frown pulled across Rynna’s brow, and I could sense Lillith and Nikki shifting forward, as if that minor movement was them standing and taking guard. There for me when they’d barely just met me.
These women were all so different from each other, but each so incredibly kind.
Welcoming Evan and I into their mix as if we’d always belonged.
No wonder Kale talked about them the way he did. The camaraderie and intimacy and devotion they shared.
Ryland cooed and pursed his little lips. He twisted his tiny fingers in front of his face, eyes bulging at the magic of his trick.
I attempted to clear the heaviness from my heart, to shuck the weight from my chest. “Evan’s hearing and heart defects were genetic. I can’t risk passing that on to another child.”
I felt like a hypocrite saying it. Because my son was perfect in my eyes. Yet, I couldn’t fathom being so selfish to curse another child to this life.
A muted, whimpered sound wheezed from Lillith.
As if she’d tried to hold it back and it’d bled free anyway.
She inched closer to me. “Oh God, Hope.” She splayed her hands out over her heart as if my confession caused her a sharp, sudden pain. She looked over to where Evan played on the lawn. “I can’t imagine. He’s such an incredible little boy. One smile, and I was in love.”
Tenderness had me chewing at the inside of my cheek, fighting the emotion that threatened to moisten my eyes. “He’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given,” I murmured softly.
“But you hate what he’s been through,” she continued in complete understanding.
No judgment.
Kale was right.
These were amazing, incredible people.
“I completely understand that.” She hesitated for a moment before she asked, “You’re the carrier?”
Rynna shifted forward, winding her arms around her knees, listening intently.
I hefted a resigned shoulder. “They deemed my testing inconclusive.”
Nikki jolted forward. “Wait . . . you don’t know for sure?”
I shook my head. “No.”
Her blue eyes widened, and I could tell she was holding it back, fighting a question she figured was out of line. But it didn’t matter. I could already see it all over her face, written in big, red, blinking letters.
I went ahead and answered, more comfortable with the three of them than I could have imagined. “His biological father couldn’t possibly be a carrier, now could he? Not with his dignified Southern bloodline. Testing would be nothing less than an insult to his masculinity and his heritage.”
It rolled out in a tirade of sarcastic bitterness and disdain.
So unlike me.
But it’d finally all caught up to me.
The festering mess of anger and disappointment and grief.
It was all doused with the hatred that burned for the fact he could possibly think Evan wasn’t worth the fight.
Gasoline to my battling soul.
Finally, I felt ready to face it. Head on.
I didn’t know if it was Kale who’d given me the last measure of courage.
Either way, I was so thankful for his promise. That he would be there at my side. That I didn’t have to go this alone.
Nikki bit down on her lip, butt shimmying in her seat, before she burst out with, “Oh my God, I can’t stand it. Someone please tell me this is where we get to call the wanker names and talk about how horrible he is in bed and how his breath always stinks. Oh, oh, oh, and how he got piss-ass drunk and stepped out in front of a speeding car and now poof. Gone. Problem solved.”