“I know, but I want to be.”
He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No…not really.”
“Okay.” He stepped back but kept his hands on my upper arms as if I would crumble at any moment. “If you change your mind, I’m a phone call away. And if you need to laugh, I’ll put Jackson on.”
Just the thought of Jackson trying to cheer me up brought a small laugh out. “Okay. Thank you, Jake.”
“Anytime. Why don’t you head home and spend the day with that beautiful baby? She’ll cheer you up.”
“You know what? I think I will.”
Spending the day with Audrey was exactly what I needed. Her little giggles and chunky legs that were always kicking made me feel lighter. Made the ache distant and less.
At least until she was asleep, and my phone vibrated with a message from Ian.
Ian: I said I’d give you space and I am, but I haven’t heard from you all day. Is everything okay? Is Audrey doing okay? How’s her cough?
Audrey’s cough from last week still lingered, it would fade and then come back, and my chest squeezed at his concern, reminding me he really was a good man. Just a good man, I couldn’t see yet.
Me: Everything is fine. We’re staying at my dad’s for now.
It was a lie, but I couldn’t have him showing up at the apartment just yet. I still needed space to think everything through.
Me: I’m sorry I didn’t message sooner. I just… I need time.
Me: I’ll call tomorrow, and we’ll figure something out with Audrey so you can see her.
I quickly snapped a pic of her sleeping and sent it to him before putting my phone on airplane mode, leaving it on the coffee table. Ian always knew what to say to me, and I didn’t want to be tempted to do something I wasn’t ready for.
My heart jerked in my chest when a knock at the door came ten minutes later.
Shit. He’d promised he would give me space—he promised he wouldn’t push it.
I stood on shaky limbs and made my way to the door like a bomb waited for me on the other side. Each step had my muscles pulling tighter and tighter until I was sure I’d snap. Leaning in quietly to hold up the ruse I wasn’t there in case it was him. I checked through the peephole and found a dark head of hair and an easy smile.
Just not Ian’s.
This one had salt in his hair and wrinkles around his eyes.
I opened the door to a smiling Kent. “Surprise.”
Not that I wasn’t happy to see him, but Kent had never been to my place before. We’d all formed a friendship, but it rarely went outside of meetings and drinks afterward.
At my hesitant stare, he explained. “Jake told Daniel and Daniel told me. I come bearing gifts,” he said joyously, holding up a bottle of expensive bourbon.
“I can’t drink,” I said with a deadpanned stare.
His brows furrowed and he looked to the bottle before back at me, confused. “Can’t you like…pump and dump or something?” he asked, gesturing to my chest with the bottle.
His concern that I couldn’t drink, and his solution had a laugh breaking free I didn’t know I was capable of. It hurt my face to form a smile and my chest to shake with anything other than tears.
But it also felt really good.
For the first time, I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel—that maybe it would be okay eventually. I was damaged, but not broken.
Shaking my head, I stepped aside and let him in. He held up a grocery bag in his other hand once the door was closed. “Good thing I brought ice cream. Now, let’s watch chick flicks and cry together. Olivia told me it’s the female heartbreak survival kit.”
Another laugh, and it hurt less this time.
He brought out a few more laughs through the night, each one coming easier than the last. It was nice not to feel alone like I had the night before. It was a nice reminder that I had more friends than I realized.
It was all nice…but it wasn’t Ian.
28 Ian
With a deep breath, I prepared myself to do what I should have done last week. What I should have done as soon as Carina brought it up with me.
I rapped my knuckles on Hanna’s open door and tried to appear like my heart wasn’t thundering in my chest. Her wince of regret upon finding me standing there made me realize one of us needed to hold it together.
“Please don’t, Ian.” She kept her gaze locked on the paper on her desk, her jaw clenched.
The big brother part of me didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she’d been through and urged me to step back and abide by her wishes, but even if Carina wasn’t my driving force for being there, we needed to talk.