I’ll never get a chance to tell her how happy he makes me. I’ll never be able to tell her that her little girl has fallen in love for the first time. I’ll never tell her how all the bullying and horrible things he did were anything but. She’ll never know and it’s all because I’ve spent that last two months been being a self-centered bitch.
Everything over the past two months has been about me. It’s been about struggling to live with Nate. It’s been about mending and rebuilding my friendship with Jesse. It’s been about partying with the girls and getting drunk. I’ve learned how to drive a stick. I’ve indulged in book upon book. I’ve picked fights with cheerleaders and punched boys with bad intentions. Only a handful of times did I spare a thought for my dying Nanna.
I should have gone with mom and dad to Australia. I should have fought harder. I should have been there.
I’m nothing but a disgrace.
What would she think of me? Spending her last two months living a great life while she was suffering on the other side of the world. Mom had told me time and time again that Nanna was missing me.
She loved seeing photos of me and I had been taking as many as I could to put into a video for her, only every time I thought about putting it together, there was always something else that I wanted to do instead.
I’ve let her down and I’ll never forgive myself for that. How could I have been so selfish?
“How are you feeling?” someone asks at the table as I watch a drop of condensation slide down the side of the glass before pooling in the little puddle at the bottom.
I raise my sore eyes from the glass and realize the whole table is watching me, though, it must have been Trish talking. I try to think back to what she’s just said, but my mind is too cloudy and foggy to make sense of her words.
Not having the energy to give a shit, I give Trish a tight smile and get back to watching the condensation on the glass.
Nate moves beside me and I glance up to find him pushing my untouched plate of food closer to me. “Would you eat? At least a little?” he questions with concern in his deep eyes. He’s always hated when I don’t eat. I’ve had issues in the past and I don’t doubt that watching me struggle with my dinner tonight is just a reminder of that.
I look down at the plate before flicking my eyes back up at him, but seeing the way he cares for me has another round of tears spilling from my eyes. I reach for my fork, not wanting to let him down as well.
I push a piece of chicken around my plate for a moment but the tears in my eyes are making it nearly impossible to see. Nate reaches across and takes my hand in his before lacing our fingers and giving my hand a supportive squeeze. “It’s alright,” he murmurs into the quiet room.
The tears spill over and I turn to look up at him. “I was going to make her another video,” I cry. “But I was too busy. I kept putting it off.”
Nate pushes back out of his chair and reaches for me as both Caden and Jesse curse under their breaths.
I fall into Nate’s arms and he pulls me up out of the dining chair. He carries me out of the room and stops by the kitchen where he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and the box of tissues off the counter.
He walks us up to my room and gently places me down on my bed before he pulls my shirt up over my head. He replaces it a minute later with a tank top and then slides my jeans down my legs as I wipe my tears on the back of my arms.
He pulls up the corner of the blanket and helps me to slide in under the covers before he slides in behind me. I lay my head down on the pillow and allow the sorrow to overwhelm me as Nate holds me. “She knew you love her,” he whispers into the silence of the night.
He holds me until the tears finish running their course and right up until I slip into a restless, disturbed sleep, never once leaving my side.
———-
I wake in the morning and slip out from under Nate’s arm before trudging into the bathroom. The second I see my raggedy reflection in the mirror, I’m instantly reminded of the fact that my Nanna is no longer here.
My eyes are red raw and puffy from a night of crying into Nate’s chest and I feel like I’ve been run over a billion times by a steam roller.