Though that was two days ago and I haven’t really seen him since. We spent the rest of Friday night partying and then he drove me home, but with Rivers and Tully in the car, there wasn’t really a great goodbye.
I spent all day waiting to see if he’d text or call, hell maybe even show his face at my door, but nothing. Nada. Zilch.
It leaves me with way too many questions. Are we a thing or were we just messing around? This connection between us is was way too strong to deny and when his lips finally touched mine, it was everything… like, everything. At the risk of sounding like a pussy, the freaking stars aligned and the moon was knocking on my doorstep, ready to thrust its wonder upon me.
Gahhhhhhh! I hate feeling like this. You know, that weird in between, not knowing phase. I just want my damn answers and I want them delivered to me on a silver platter.
Is that too much?
You know what? I don’t care.
I try to get back to keeping myself busy so I stop thinking about it over and over… and over again. It’s literally driving me insane. I shouldn’t be focusing on this. If anything, it was just two friends hooking up and having a good time at a party. Why am I over thinking something that isn’t there? Only, there was something there. I felt it.
I guess the question is, did he feel it too?
What I wouldn’t give to explore this thing with him. What I also wouldn’t give to stick it to Monica in the process. I mean, that girl is a bitch. Hands down the most frustrating chick I’ve had to deal with in my life. Does she not understand that if she keeps coming at me, I’m going to end up giving her a smackdown that Haven Falls will remember for years to come?
I’m not usually a violent person but living in Haven Falls, you just learn to keep your nails trimmed in case you need to make a fist first thing in the morning. The weak don’t survive and everyone else? They only get by because they’re not afraid to put bitches in their place. Bitches just like Monica and Candice. I wonder how Tully would feel about delivering an ass whopping to Candice? We could take them both. Two for the price of one.
Damn it. There I go daydreaming about stupid shit again. I should be focusing on cleaning the house before dad gets home. Friday zoomed past with no sign of him and yesterday ticked by slowly as I moped around the house wishing for my killer hangover to fade into a distant nothing. I tried talking myself into reading, but the thought of looking at a little screen for the afternoon nearly had me bringing up chunks.
I pack away the dishes and wipe down the table before spending a good portion of the afternoon actually folding and putting away the laundry while catching up on Netflix.
This has generally been my life for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad to pieces, but when it comes to parenting, he’s kind of clueless. The second he realized I was old enough to press ‘go’ on the washing machine and put a little detergent into it without flooding the house with bubbles, doing the laundry basically became my chore. Next, was the general cleaning of our home, and soon after that, the cooking followed.
When you think about it, I’m more the parent around here, but I don’t mind because without me, dad would be eating meals out of a tin and wearing dirty clothes day in and day out.
God knows I love him, but I’ve never had to wonder why mom left. It’s pretty damn clear to me. The only question there is, why she would leave me too?
See, this is why I can’t be left alone with my thoughts for too long. They wander and eventually get me in trouble. I came to terms with the fact that mom left years ago, yet here I am, bringing up old issues because I’m terrified to get caught thinking about Noah again.
Because I know deep down, that at some point, he’s going to hurt me. I can feel it in my bones.
Everybody leaves me eventually. Mom up and left the second she could. Kaylah deserted me. Jackson took off without so much as a goodbye. And dad, well, with the way he works, he’s barely here anyway.
That just leaves Noah and Tully.
They’re all I’ve got at the moment, and I’m terrified of screwing it up. Having them around for the past week has reminded me of the girl I used to be. The one who wasn’t afraid to step out of the house every day. The one who was lively and happy, and good God, I want that back.