“I doubt it.”
“Good, because I’ll never be sick of you.”
“Call me every single day you’re away,” I told him. “And that’s an order from your Daddy.”
His sigh came clear across the line. “Yes, Daddy, but I have to go now. Love you.”
“I love you too, Ari. Wait!”
“Something wrong?”
“I have something for you. That notebook you lost and Julieta took? She returned it.”
Ari went silent.
“Ari?”
“Did you go through it?” He sounded so small all of a sudden.
“Just the inside of the cover page,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to invade your privacy in case you don’t want me to read it.”
“Do you want to read it?”
“I-I don’t know, to be honest.”
Again a long silence and I checked that he was still there. “I don’t have to read it. You’ve grown past that sixteen-year-old boy.”
“Except I still feel the same about you. You can read it, but when you do, Shaw, this will be the last thing I have left of myself that I’ve kept from you. After this, you’ll know everything, and I hope you don’t hate me after.”
“I can’t hate you.” Or else I would already have.
“We’ll see in a few days.”
He hung up, and I put down my phone. Now that I had his permission, I itched to get my briefcase where I put the book for safekeeping, but I also knew that once I did, there was no going back. I took a shower, then shaved, taking my time. Did I really want to read his journal?
When I returned to the bedroom, I didn’t even bother to put on clothes. I dug out the notebook from my bag, sat on the bed, and flipped to the first page.
October 16
Today I stabbed a boy in my class with a pen. It wasn’t my fault, really. He took the sandwich Daddy made me for lunch. I don’t know what happened. He was laughing in my face while he ate it, and everything around me turned black. Before I knew it, he was bleeding, a pen pierced in his hand. Mrs. Ramsay, our guidance counselor, says it would help if I start to write about my feelings, so I’m giving it a try because I’ve been having some bad feelings lately. Feelings I can’t talk to anyone about. Well, sometimes I mention a few things to Harlan, but he doesn’t get it. At least if I write it down here, it will feel like telling someone and knowing they won’t judge me. So let’s hope this works.
A
October 22
I hate Rich. He’s a bully who forces me to do things to him when the other boys aren’t watching. I should just tell everyone in class he’s a homo, but I think that will only make it worse. At least now he only does those things to me in private, but if I out him, maybe he’ll want to do it all the time, since he won’t have a reason to hide. I saw Mrs. Ramsay today, and she feels something is wrong. I almost told her about Rich, but I’m afraid. I don’t want to get him into big trouble. Just some trouble. I really just want him to leave me alone.
P.S. The only dick I think of sucking is Daddy’s.
A.
November 1
Today was supposed to be a good day. Mom had a night out planned with her girls, which means Daddy and I were home alone. I made plans for us. I would cook, and since Mom wouldn’t be around, I would even be able to wear this dress I’d been working on. Mom hates it when I dress up in women’s clothes. I think she’s jealous Daddy tells me I look beautiful. She always gets angry when Daddy compliments me.
Anyway, Mom’s friends canceled on her at the last minute, and she decided to order in pizza, even though I told her I would cook. She wore this smug smile on her face that made me want to smack her, but then Daddy would be upset with me, and I don’t want that. I’m his favorite boy ever, and that’s the way I want to keep it.
I guess I’ll just have to wait on wearing the lingerie set I bought with Mom’s credit card until another time Daddy and I are all alone.